Mags

Officially a first grader!!!

2010-06-14T17:23:00.000-07:00

My sweet baby is growing up! Kindergarten graduate, next stop President! After the ceremony, we went and had lunch and then on to have a RIDICULOUS time at the zoo!!!

Battle Royale

2010-05-04T13:07:00.001-07:00

The Madster and I found these Medieval Styrofoam gems at Target for a buck, chaos has ensued ever since.

You can clearly see from the photo that our weaponry has required some repair in order to continue our duels. Duct tape works best.

My fighting style tends to be more reserved and civilized. While Maddie chooses to go balls out running at me full speed like Mel Gibson in Braveheart (Mel Gibson in any movie actually).

FFFFRRRREEEEDDDOOOMMMM!!!

Lent

2010-02-22T18:57:00.001-08:00

Well, its that time of year again, Lent.

For those of you who have visited before, I usually give up swearing for Lent. The thought behind this is it supposedly takes 21 days to break a bad habit. I figure 40 days of Lent is time to break the habit and then some. As this is my third year giving up swearing, the logic is obviously not fool proof.

Every time I swear, I have to skip a meal so a good portion of those 40 days is spent surly in near starving conditions.

Maddie's class was asked what each of them would be giving up for Lent, here are their responses:

If you click on it, you'll notice that my daughter gave up refrigerator magnets! Honestly. Thank you for your sacrifice Jesus, I'm giving up fridge magnets. You've got to be shitting me....there went breakfast.

I know I've mentioned this before...

2010-02-14T06:52:00.001-08:00

I love the Olympics!!!!

I have a hankering to load up the car with Maddie and the dogs and drive to Vancouver!

I also want a pair of these snazzy mittens!!!

Just dropping by...

2010-01-07T11:17:00.000-08:00

I have been absent from my blog. I am so busy with my busy kindergartener. Admittidly, work messed with my computer and I no longer have access to log into my blogspot account from my work computer, which is where I did most of my blogging. I have been keeping up with you all though, because thankfully I can still view your blogs (except Karen, your blog shuts my system down completly, so I catch up with you when I'm not working). You all make my day go so much faster.

The holidays flew by, in fact, I'm still reeling from the fact that its no longer July, for some reason that is when time seemed to speed up.

I've been spending alot of time with my sister and her family. For those who have read previous posts, I had a serious falling out with my sister when my mom died. I decided that while I am deeply hurt by her actions, having her in mine and my Maddie's life is more important than focusing on something I cant change.

I simply cant believe my wonderful mom has been gone for three years. Fuck you Cancer.

My sister talked me into going with her to get my hair done...which I generally dont do anymore (long story, another post maybe). Since it was the day before the anniversary of my moms passing, it was easy to convince me to cut off 12 inches and donate it, once it was gone and layered, why not dye it? So thats what I did, it was very freeing and I feel like a new person!

My strong willed baby girl is still tearing up the Catholic school system and I think is trying to go for some sort of red light record. As much as I threatened, Santa was good to her anyway. I just couldnt help myself...

While she was home on Christmas break her beloved goldfish "goldie" died. Preceeded in his death were "swimmie" and "rocky". She took Goldies death pretty hard since she personally won him at the fair (I thought it was amazing he lasted as long as he did). I had to pinky swear to get her new fish. Came home from the pet store with 4 new fish and a puppy. I clearly have issues.

Meet Weasley. Maddie just calls him Weez. Mini hates him.

Guess who just turned 6!!!!

2009-10-20T19:49:00.001-07:00

I took it harder than her first day of school!

The bird whisperer

2009-09-08T16:08:00.001-07:00

First day of school...

2009-09-01T17:18:00.001-07:00

Howdy strangers!!! I know its been a while but I've been keeping tabs on you all! I'm shocked that summer has come and gone and my baby is no longer a baby.

Not sure what to title this:

2009-05-13T08:23:00.001-07:00

My Aunt died 2 weeks ago...yet another loss to that horrible monster Cancer. She was my dads sister. My father is one of eight...big family? I think so since I was only one of three. This was very hard on all of them, not only did they lose a beloved sister but I believe more than one of them started to face their own mortality. I think that's natural, but my father actually told me to prepare myself for alot more funerals....his M.O. has always been saying the most inappropriate thing at the most inopportune time.

By some miracle I got the time off of work to go and drove down to Chicago both days for the wake and the funeral. As I stood in front of the open casket, I tried like hell to summon the appropriate emotion, but I couldn't...I feel sad, at one point I considered myself close to my aunt, I certainly loved her dearly, my heart ached for my uncle and my cousins, but I felt nothing. I was numb. People come up and say "doesn't she look beautiful" or "didn't they do a great job"...my honest thought is: no, she looks like she fought hard and lost, she gave everything she had and it wasn't enough. There is beauty in the determination but not the final result. Maybe my emotions are all used up. I feel selfish and ugly and wish I could offer more, but I stood there with my mouth shut, no comfort whatsoever.

Then my sister walked in. I have not spoken to her in 2 1/2 years, since my mom died. We were at moms house going through stuff and my brother got mad over a Christmas ornament. That was all it took for my sister to snap. She kicked me out of the house. She sent me a nasty letter calling me a bad mother, criticizing my then 3 year old. Told me she was tired of me "boo hooing" over mom. And said the list of things wrong with me is too long and goes too far back to list in her paragraph, single spaced, typed letter that she had certified mailed to me so she would be assured that I received such an emotional blow. She went on and had movers deliver a piece of furniture to my house which cost my portion of the estate $800 even though I had friends who were going to pick it up. She and my brother went through the stuff and picked out what they wanted and sold the rest in a garage sale. The biggest blow was distributing my mothers ashes according to her wishes without notifying me or giving me a chance to say a final goodbye. Over the past 2 years she has ignored my daughter every birthday and Christmas...and here she was.

I walked over to them with Maddie who was so excited to see my niece "B" and didn't recognize her when I was pointing right at her...alot changes in 2 years. B started crying and hugged me right away. Then my sister grabbed me and hugged me and cried and told me she was sorry and she did so many mean things to me but she was so angry that mom died. (no kidding, who would have guessed). I'm not sure I went through that type of anger, but I was very very sad for a very long time, sad and alone.

She has been texting me, just casual, how you doing type stuff...I respond pleasantly, but once again I'm unable to summon the appropriate emotion. Yes, she did mean stuff and I do consider myself a forgiving person, but so much time has passed and I'm not sure what I feel. To me, it was never about "stuff or money" there wasnt alot of either.

Mothers Day!

2009-05-11T07:04:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful day! Maddie had decorated a pot and planted a beautiful little flower for me. She made this at school (I'm quite surprised the teachers didn't encourage her to pee on it as they can no longer stand me, but this is a post for another time...and they will be getting a very strongly worded letter shortly).

We went to the zoo. We get a zoo pass every year and go quite often. Maddie loves all the animals and I think its good exercise...we usually go a few times a month but this was our first trip of the season. The weather was great. I ran into an old friend, who I thought I had seen pretty recently but since she had two kids and didn't have any the last time we hung out I guess it was not that recently. I tend to do that (if it hasn't been obvious with my posts) I fly under the radar for a while and then resurface. I have wonderful friends that I see every blue moon. She asked about my mom and of course told her she died (hard to say out loud I guess) I started crying...but did manage to pull myself together rather quickly. I thought about my mom quite a bit as I always do, yesterday I wore her perfume, is that weird?

Maddie did all her favorites: rode the ponies, train, carousel, and fed the goats (they didn't seem all that hungry and she was practically force feeding them). I took lots of pictures, but naturally I forgot my digital camera and had to use one of those throw away cameras...will post when I get them developed!

Off to the grocery store and we cooked a delicious meal. Made my favorite fruit salad that my mom always made. Then we decided to watch a movie. Maddie wanted Scooby Doo and I wanted Harry Potter, since we couldn't agree we decided on Annie. We finished the night with the 3 S's: singing, snuggling and snacking!

Saving the Earth

2009-04-28T05:51:00.000-07:00

Maddie, Mini and I went for a walk last night. I grabbed a garbage bag (to clean up after Mini) and Maddie grabbed one as well...I asked her what her bag was for and she said "picking up garbage so I can save the Earth"! That is exactly what she did, she picked up garbage the whole way!!! She is awesome!

Coloring

2009-04-06T17:02:00.001-07:00

Maddie brought this beautiful work of art home today. I realize those 2 green nubs in front are probably suppose to be the arms or paws.

To me it looks like an armless kangaroo with boobs.

Book club, fighting and skipping meals

2009-04-05T17:06:00.000-07:00

I started a book club with a mom from Maddie's class. I have read, so far, a lot of really great books and had wonderful fellowship with someone who understands my frustration with the school etc. We used to meet in a cute little coffee shop and discuss our books, we have slowly migrated to the bar and now discuss over bloody mary's.

Her husband works late on Wednesday night, so our kids have had a standing play date every Wednesday for the past two months...this Wednesday is rollerskating; wish me luck that I don't break anything as it has been YEARS since I've been on skates. Although, with the right music, I'm quite certain I can remember the carefully prepared skating routines of my youth!

Update: Maddie is still going to talk with someone about once a month. So far, the therapist says shes: engaging, delightful, looks you in the eye when talking, plays wonderfully...in other words a happy, normal child. She senses some anxiety about school and is starting to question what is going on there.

Hmmm interesting right? Let me give you a snapshot of her day, say Friday for example.

There is a little boy in her class who, sadly, really does have some anger issues. I have seen him in front of teachers and all the parents, kick and hit and push my book club mom's son. They constantly have to be separated! When this kid loses control its like he can't focus, nothing behind his eyes type of not focus, he really gets angry. Have any of you ever witnessed something like that? Not only is it scary, but its heartbreaking because he's only 5 for goodness sake. Book club son was not in school Friday so this kids new target was my Maddie...not the first time, he caused a ruckus in the lunch room last week because he was throwing her lunch box and hitting her.

Maddie was playing leapfrog and bumped into him and he started kicking her, when she fell, he kicked her in the stomach. Apparently, what happened next was described as "fists were flying" and Maddie had to be pulled off this kid 3 separate times. Maddie was sent to the directors office for fighting where she had to stand in the corner for a half an hour. Then these fools made them eat lunch alone together where they had to pull them apart again. Disappointed? Yes, very. Mad? Not at Maddie. I'm very surprised because I have never, ever heard of or witnessed her hitting ANYBODY! If the teachers refuse to do something to protect all the kids in the class then I'm glad she was able to defend herself, but holy crap, this is preschool people.

A few of the parents no longer want this child in class, he is disruptive and violent and I happen to agree. If this continues, since it is only preschool, I will pull her before the year is up. I will not have my adorable little girl brawling like a hoodlum.

Sadly, two of Fridays meals were missed because of this incident when my potty mouth got the best of me.

Out of the mouth of my babe

2009-03-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, I've been reminiscing over some of the truly humiliating things that my daughter has said in front of people. Of course only the embarrassing stuff is said clear as a bell, not in toddler speak only a parent can understand.

We were walking down the street about 6 months ago and an older couple was walking towards us when Maddie said "mom, scoot over, here come some old people and we don't want them to fall on us". As if older people fall all over unsuspecting passersby. They heard. Embarrassing? Yes. The worst? No.

The worst that I can recall was when I went to pick her up at daycare, along with at least 5 other moms and dads. I had previously cut my thigh shaving (thigh is kind of stretching it as I cut myself closer to my knee) and my wonderful almost 4 year old says "hey momma, remember when you cut your crotch shaving?" Good Lord, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Still missing meals!

2009-03-06T20:32:00.001-08:00

I am still missing random meals. I've noticed that when I do swear, its usually when I'm having conversations with myself. I try very hard not to swear in front of Maddie because honestly there is nothing more disturbing then the word douche bag passing through a three year olds lips (even more disturbing when she used it properly when somebody cut me off in traffic)....so I learned a while ago to watch my mouth in front of her. I find when I miss meals I am completely by myself, usually working, or reading, or watching TV~dumb, dumb, dumb.

My very best friend, and my partner in this is looking forward to Easter when she can celebrate the resurrection...of her cursing.

I'm still convinced I'll be cured.

Day 2

2009-02-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

I'm starving.

Neighbor

2009-02-26T13:52:00.001-08:00

I consider myself a good neighbor. If I have it, I loan it. If I can help, I do. I live in a downtown area above a cute little store, so I don't really have alot of neighbors. The one I did, I tried very hard to like.

Single mom, just out of jail after making several major blunders...5 involving drinking and driving. I'm no one to pass judgement so naturally I am friendly and cordial because she's just younger than me and really seemed to be trying hard.

When my father would come up for a visit and bring me lots of goodies, he would bring her some too. I would lend her Cd's, DVDs, tools, spices etc. I would give her rides places since she obviously couldn't drive. Eventually, I stopped because it was apparent that it was a friendship based on convenience (not to mention I didn't get half of my stuff back) and she was maybe suffering with some entitlement issues...the whole world owes me so why not start with you type of gal...but I'm not judging, just not my type of friend.

Today I find out she is in jail for prostitution. She was letting men into her place via the roof, past my daughters bedroom (outside roof) into her bedroom. Apparently intelligence isn't a job requirement...multiple strange men crossing a roof does not seem like an attention grabber at all...IDIOTS.

I'm appalled.

No matter where I am in my life, people always bring me up short and amaze me...like smokers, yes I know its addictive, but who hasn't heard about smoking yet?

Prostitution? Seriously!!!

BTW: I am in no way comparing hookers to smokers...I'm just saying.

Lent

2009-02-26T10:11:00.000-08:00

In the tradition of seemingly never doing the right thing, my wonderful friend and I have decided, once again, to give up swearing for Lent.~ This includes all swear words and made up words that could imply swearing. For example: calling someone an a-hole rather than an actual asshole is still swearing. Of course using Maddie's made up swear word of Hossiepops is definitely off the table.

Sadly, I must admit, swearing is like a second language for me, and I am fluent. When I was a teenager, my mom caught me swearing and said I could say anything she did...As a woman who was recently divorced, entering the work force again after twenty years with three teenagers, let me say that her offer just about opened the door for saying anything and everything...except the Lords name in vain.

There are consequences to breaking the rules and swearing...I'm not talking about flogging or stoning each other like the good old days. Our punishment comes in the form of missed meals. Every time we swear, we miss the next meal...yikes.

We did this last year, every time I swore I would lose drinking soda for the day and then on to missing meals. By the end of the first night, I was thirsty and starving. I figure by Easter we will be cured.

Happy Valentines Day!

2009-02-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

Today was a great day!

I visited a very dear friend of mine that I've known since kindergarten. My Maddie plays with her niece, so we had a free day and treated ourselves to pedicures. I don't do this very often, but love it and I'm going to make a point to treat myself more often! Then we went and saw a movie "he's just not that into you" ...it was OK, again, nice to be out.

When we got home I treated my special little valentine to her own pedicure, purple to match her cast, and then I bedazzled her little walking shoe!

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

I took this picture before I was finished bedazzling, I must admit I got a little carried away...in addition to lugging around a heavy cast, I've added 5-10 lbs of gems and rhinestones!

Update:

2009-02-11T14:58:00.000-08:00

My very dear friend Mike assured me that I have not lost out on Mother of the Year just yet...

When he was about 16, he was driving home from picking up a pizza and got into a car accident. Before his dad took him to the hospital, he went to the junk yard to pick up the pizza. :) I'm not sure if I feel better or sad for Mike.

Back from Urgent Care:

2009-02-11T10:51:00.000-08:00

Maddie fell at recess yesterday, turns out she broke her foot in 3 places. Found this out after I made her suffer with broken bones all night thinking she was just being dramatic....maybe I'll be the 2010 Mother of the Year. I think I've blown it this year.

Oh, and I jammed the tampon machine at the hospital....I should not be allowed out of my house.

Sorry...

2009-02-05T14:29:00.001-08:00

The original purpose of this blog was not to bitch about the goings ons in my daily life, I just thought it would be something fun, because lets face it, I like fun and don't generally look at myself as a negative Nellie type of person (no offense to anyone named Nellie)

That being said, I need to bitch about something...as you've probably already guessed, it has something to do with the Madster. In an effort to get to the bottom of what ever is bothering my precious darling at school, I approach the teacher at pick-up and ask about her day. Monday, I was greeted with "Maddie had a tantrum today and we really need to watch this because other parents are complaining that their kids are having tantrums at HOME now too."

First let me say: Its none of my business what goes on in their homes, nor is it their business what goes on in mine.

Second: I will not shoulder the responsibility for anyone other than Maddie, in school or out. While tantrums are most certainly frowned upon, she is a child, and I have been diligently seeking an answer to this madness that has settled on our once happy unit of two.

Third: If you have something negative to say about Maddie, like blaming her for the worlds naughty children, how about not doing it in front of her as I'm not sure how much more her little delicate self esteem can handle.

Fourth: I've been very proactive and cooperative up until this point because I would like to get to the bottom of this as much as anyone else, but now a line has been crossed and I've just upgraded myself to DEFCON ASSHOLE.

Finally getting warm!

2009-01-26T08:27:00.001-08:00

My dad purchased us one of these:

Guilt gift? Maybe, but its still AWESOME! Amish made fireplace, its called a heat surge, compact so it fits nicely in our apartment. LOVE IT!

Some improvements...

2009-01-26T07:16:00.000-08:00

OK, so I had a parent/teacher conference and the news was not good...they think something more may be going on with Maddie, as in maybe my friends husband did something more. I got Maddie in to talk to someone last week and it went very well. Took her out to the Olive Garden first, which she said was "lovely" then to the book store and finally to Hobby Lobby to pick up some crafts for her to do. The appointment went well, she didn't really open up, but she liked the lady and has asked to go back...this is good news.

Last week at the laundry mat, there was a little boy there that had been giving Maddie problems at school. When I mentioned something to the school they said "we don't like to approach him because he's very emotional, just ask Maddie to stay away from him"....great, thanks a-holes. So she walked up to this kid in the laundry mat and said "you're mean" and walked away. This little boys father then started yelling at Maddie (a man, and a stranger!). Needless to say, I went ape shit, and that's putting it mildly. I don't consider myself tall really, 5'9", but I towered over this guy by almost a foot. I had some harsh words for him for yelling at my child and then he started yelling at me. I offered to step outside with him (not one of my finer, more mature moments...and afterward I apologized to everyone in the laundry mat for having to witness it). Then I said the magic words...I said we recognized his son from school and that he's been picking on Maddie. He backed off immediately, I'm sure this wasn't the first time he's dealt with his sons behavior at school. Crisis averted, he was gone by the time we returned from the store. The following Wednesday his son went up to Maddie out of the blue and apologized to her. That's the same day she started telling me she loved me again and hugging and kissing me...I guess she needed to see me stand up for her. I'm quite lucky I didn't end up in jail actually, that would have pushed her over the edge.

I'm at the end of my rope...

2009-01-06T11:39:00.000-08:00

The Doctor is calling back hopefully today with a recommendation for a counselor. I have been walking on eggshells with my daughter and I still have to deal with her telling me she hates me. I cant hug her, kiss her or tell her I love her. She has been throwing king size tantrums and actually got in my face today screaming at me...wow.

Happy Holidays!!!

2008-12-31T20:56:00.000-08:00

Well, as usual, I'm behind with my posts! I meant to post well before Christmas. I loved the pictures of everyones trees and their special ornaments.

Here is my tree:

Every year, for about 13 years, the girls (plus my nephew) in my family (mom, sister, niece, Maddie, and myself) would exchange ornaments every Thanksgiving. My tree is very full with lots of special ornaments so its hard to pick a favorite. This is one of my favorites, it was given to me by my mom a year before she died...it was not part of the exchange, she just took it off her tree and gave it to me. I didn't really like it at first, it has a lot of wear, but I absolutely love it now and it so reminds me of mom.

My uncle (fathers brother) called me and invited me to the family party, like he does every year. Because I have been having so many problems with Maddie (telling me she does not love me etc.) I decided to go. My sister wasn't going to be there and I can handle my father. I figured my brother would just ignore me. I was slightly worried about him because he's kind of unpredictable, but enough people would be around, so why not? Although not appropriate, my Christmas motto was F*CK EM! When I got there, my brother was standing outside with some cousins and walked over with a smile on his face and said "well, this is a surprise" and gave me a hug. He seemed sincere. Maddie and I had a great day. Being around family was exactly what we both needed. I saw my father, he just pretended nothing had ever happened between us...which is fine because fighting on Christmas is inappropriate. As we were leaving, my brother was outside and hugged me again and told me to call him. Weird.

Here it is New Years Eve...Maddie and I went to Chicago to have lunch with my aunt, father and brother...again, weird~ but I will wait until the holidays are over. I don't really like to go out on New Years. First because I like to spend it with Maddie, watching movies and eating snacks. We stay home because there are way to many careless people on the roads tonight (more than usual). Maddie and Mini dropped off about 2 hours ago:

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season (however you celebrate) and enjoyed yourselves and your families.

More advise please...

2008-12-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

I do intend to post fun pictures of our tree and playing in the 15 inches of snow we now have, but I need some friendly advice.

I am having some problems with my wonderful daughter, whom I love more than anything. For about 3 weeks now she has been a completely different little girl. I don't recognize who she is...she will come up to me and say things like "if I don't love you can I still live here?" Hurtful, not just once, but the several times she has said it...

We drove past a police officer on the way to school one morning and I said: "look, there is a police officer", she went to school and told everyone I was going to jail. She then spent the next 48 hours crying about it...no matter what she was told. Her teacher wanted me to call the doctor. I finally explained, by giving an example, why a person would go to jail. Like a dumb ass, I explained stealing...she then spent the next 48 hours crying because she was convinced that she had stolen something. She searched her room frantically for something that did not look familiar, convinced she was a criminal. I finally had to take her to the police station to sit down and talk to them because she needs to know that they are her friends. She would not go near him, but seems a little better about the whole thing, but only a little.

A friend and I went Christmas shopping one night and Maddie stayed with her kids and husband. Apparently, he thought they broke a lamp and he yelled at them. Now, Maddie has only ever been yelled at by me, I may have a deep voice, but I'm no man. I really think it scared the bejeezes out of her because that's when I noticed the change in her. She no longer wants to go to her friends house and she continues to talk about it when we are talking about our feelings, which she woke me up at 1:50 am to do.."talk about our feelings". My friend, whose husband yelled at her (I call him "man with broken spirit", but that's a different story) , has been inquiring whats wrong with her. When I mentioned that she brought up the yelling incident again she said "you people are making it sound like he did something more"... The "you people" forced me to hang up the phone before I said something I would regret. You people!

I am going to have to call the help line at work and take Maddie in to speak with a professional, myself as well. I need to get to the bottom of whatever is going on. In the meantime, my feelings are hurt, I'm angry, sad, worried and depressed.

Just Wondering...

2008-12-11T07:57:00.000-08:00

Since its the holidays and its usually this time of year when we really take stock of our lives...well, I do anyway - don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my life year round. Or maybe because I've been reading Twilight...

Lately, I've really started to notice how lonely I am. Lonely because I no longer have my family, yes. But also lonely because I don't have companionship in my life...a significant other. I read my favorite blogs everyday and I cant help but notice that you ladies have found your match...perfect match. Just to name a few: My sweet Karen and her wonderful Gregg, Busy Suz who has been in love for what seems like forever! Smiley and her bantering Tom. Blogistans most recently married KBL and her beloved....who has such warm, caring eyes that in every picture, no matter where they are, they absolutely radiate with the love he has for her!

I'm starting to wonder that some of the decisions I have made in my life no longer have me on a path that intersects with the man who is meant for me.

White Christmas!

2008-12-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up I use to pray for a white Christmas, these past couple of years? NO PROBLEM!!! The snow continues....this batch started with freezing rain and has since turned to snow, once the temperature drops further, driving will be impossible. I took the Madster to our Christmas parade on Friday night and it was negative 2 degrees with the windchill! Smiley, if your mom is still visiting, don't let her leave, she will get off the plane and cry.

Ms. Mad loves the snow! She doesn't mind getting all bundled up, even though she resembles Ralphies little brother from A Christmas Story! I get claustrophobic just looking at her. It takes 15-20 minutes just to get her ready to take the dog out! I will try and post a picture, cute, but ridiculous.

(love this movie)

Speaking of the dog...Mini does not like the snow. I would even go as far as to say that she loathes the snow. Despite the array of outfits I have to keep her warm in the snow, rather than prancing happy paw prints it looks like I'm walking a snake...just a body being dragged.

Thanksgiving

2008-12-01T06:52:00.000-08:00

I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Surprisingly, I managed to get some time off of work. I had the week off from the 17th to the 21st! I made appointments and ran around, did a little Christmas shopping. The 18th was the 2 year anniversary for my moms passing...I suppose I will take the day off each year. I honestly thought I would be OK this year but these things have a funny way of sneaking up on you.

I started crying at my dentist appointment and when I was getting my caterpillars, I mean my eyebrows, waxed. I volunteered in Maddie's class one day and started crying when one of the teachers walked past wearing my mothers perfume. I shouldn't be allowed to leave the house.

I can recall when my mom was dying sitting in her living room with a pad of paper and a pen and writing down the simple things she used to make for special occasions wanting to kick my own ass for not paying attention sooner. I used to help her cook, but I didn't think I had enough confidence in the kitchen to just wing it, so I wrote everything down. I did not think to ask for the recipe for her pies, the crust especially. My sister has it and apparently does not feel I'm entitled to such information...anyhoo, for this year, and last as well I have made Thanksgiving dinner using my sheets of tear stained directions to create a meal like my mom would have made...with a few differences: 1. no pie 2. surgical gloves so I can touch the turkey without gagging or throwing up.

Thanksgiving is a time for families. My family consists of Maddie and me. We will create our own traditions. I set the table with fine china, polished the silver. Maddie made the center piece. We had a beautiful day together and I feel blessed.

Supergirl

2008-11-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

We made it through another busy weekend! Our little town had trick or treating on Saturday the 24th and Sunday the 25th. Saturday was the businesses, they call it spooky city. Sunday was the houses. Miss Mad was a cheerleader for spooky city and I skipped Sunday altogether as there were SNOW flurries and it was bitter cold.

On the 30th, we went to the park in our winter coats and blankets and laid amongst the leaves and watched ghostbusters while eating popcorn and drinking hot apple cider...yum. Halloween night we went to a friends house in a neighboring town and went trick or treating...the weather was wonderful and we had a lot of fun! Maddie didn't want to be a cheerleader anymore, she wanted to be supergirl...which she would now like me to call her that permanently, I also have to call the dog "superdog" or "supermini"...kids are so funny.

All and all a great time...except for the acting up in school which is still continuing and I'm about to pull my hair out!

Out of the loop.

2008-10-24T06:28:00.000-07:00

That's how I feel. I don't know where I have been the last two months. I guess I have been busy, but then not really busy, just kind of detached...has anyone else felt that way?

Maddie has been doing much better in school, no more word from the teacher and I almost get the sense she's tired of me asking. Big shout out to SUZ for reading my blog and sending me some books she thought might help!! Suz, you are the best!

I cant believe its trick or treating already this weekend...we haven't even carved pumpkins yet! Maddie agreed to go as a cheerleader since I bought the costume on clearance last year. I'm thankful she is so agreeable as I do not have the time to run out and try and find her a horse costume, which is what she really wants to be. I wish I would have gotten my act together sooner so I could attempt to sew a costume...my mom used to make the best costumes. Ahhh, the good old days. Saturday she will trick or treat the businesses and then Sunday the houses. Sunday there is rain/SNOW in the forecast so we'll see.

The duchess turned 5 last week. We went out for a special dinner, baked a cake and had a quiet evening. 5!!!! OMG I still cant believe it! Maddie got a card and money from my dad and she decided she wanted to call him, which is great. The last thing I want is for my crap to become her crap as far as issues go with my family. So I called and it was awkward. I do believe that relationship is beyond repair. I refuse to let that severed relationship get me down anymore than it already has...I will always stand up for myself and my daughter regardless of the cost...so there.

One last thing...Welcome back MRS. KBL, you were missed~

So many changes...

2008-10-03T06:07:00.000-07:00

Well, its been a while since I've posted. I don't really have an explanation other then the overwhelming feeling that I have been lost in my own life. September flew past with such speed that its almost left me in shock.

Maddie has started school (I still haven't even turned in all the requirements yet) from 8:30 to 1:00. I pick her up on my lunch break and she is home with me for the remaining 3 hours of my work day. This has been a huge change for me...as a single parent, the only time I'm away from Maddie is during my work day and the drive to take her to and from daycare/school etc. Now a portion of my work day has Maddie in it, please don't take that the wrong way, I love my daughter more than life itself, but I feel unbalanced. I would love to be a stay at home mom, but I'm a working mom who stays at home and that is huge.

Yesterday, when I picked Maddie up from school, the teacher pulled me aside to tell me that Maddie has not been listening in school. Purposely not listening. For example: they are to sit cross legged (pretzel legged) on the mat during story time. Maddie refuses to do this, after so many times of telling her, they make her sit in a chair and then she SMILES!!!! at them. She will also shriek at the top of her lungs out of nowhere.

I was beside myself. I really didn't know what to say and I have even less of an idea what to do. Is she getting too much attention? Not enough? I realize the situation could be worse...the parent in front of me went first and her kid has been: pulling, pinching, punching, pushing, kicking and spitting. But I feel inadequate. I came home and cried and I'm still crying as I type. Maddie has no other explanation other than she misses me. The only thing I can think to do is a schedule. If Maddie is bucking the system at school then its time to get a little more regimented at home, schedule her day when she's here. Some, but little TV time. Project time. Help with dinner. I have doves, its Maddie's job to vacuum the feathers. Play time. Taking a walk together. I'm open for suggestions.

The end of an era....

2008-08-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

Today is Maddie's last day of daycare. K4 starts on Tuesday. When Maddie was about 6 months old, I had to remove her from daycare because of bumps and bruises, the final straw was that her elbow was pulled out of her socket. I should have trusted my instincts, but I didn't. waited until her arm was just hanging painfully at her side until I finally realized she was being neglected and abused. I will always carry that guilt.

Thankfully I found "Grandma Janet", she was right down the road from work and she was starting a daycare. She came highly recommended and Maddie has been there ever since. Grandma Janet has been very generous where we've been concerned. She doesn't charge me for the days Maddie doesn't go and always makes sure I'm covered if they are closed for vacation. When I started working from home (about 40 minutes from daycare) I made the decision to keep taking her because I trust them with my child. We wake up extra early in the morning so I can drop her off and drive all the way home to start work, then again in the evening.

I'm not sure I'll cry on Maddie's first day of school. I've been dropping her off for almost five years and it has been painful to do at times, I had to. Today, I have been crying all day. All of a sudden, I feel very vulnerable, like I'm losing my safety net...The one constant I've had in my life. I will not miss the drive and certainly not the expense but I'm suddenly overwhelmed.

I think it takes a very special person to create a loving, warm, creative, and nurturing environment for other peoples children (I don't think I would have the patience)...Today, as I look back at the last four years, I am very grateful.

Liar!

2008-08-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

I lied, and its about to blow up in my face.

For the longest time, I have been unable to get Maddie to sleep in her own room. And by longest time, I mean years. I'm tired of being kicked in the head from my sleeping wild child. She sleeps sideways, I sleep longways, as most people do. Stuffed animals litter my bed.

So...I told her that I got a letter from her school, which she is very excited to start, that said they were excited to welcome her to school, but wanted to remind everybody that this is a school for big girls and kids who don't sleep in their own room wont be able to attend. At first she didn't believe me so I showed her a letter (she can't read) and she's been in her bed ever since.

The other morning when I went to wake her, she was sleeping at the end of her bed with no blankets and I asked what happened...she said she was hot during the night. Her room has no fan so I asked why she didn't come in by me. "Because I want to go to school"...yes, I feel like a jerk.

Maddie is so proud of herself and so am I.

Tonight we have open house at her new school and she cant wait to tell them....the jig is up!

Olympic Hopeful...

2008-08-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

We are watching the opening ceremony tonight, which has been outstanding, and I told Maddie maybe someday she could be in the Olympics. Maybe a swimmer. She started jumping up and down very excited and said "Can I wear my floaty things(water wings) on my arms so I don't sink?" Hmmmm.

I'm bbbbaaaacccckkkk!!!!

2008-08-02T18:33:00.001-07:00

Thank the good Lord that my new computer finally arrived. "Flamingo Pink" in color and glorious!

Swimming Memories!

2008-07-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember, I have loved the water...swimming especially. My mom told me when I was little I went walking into the lake and kept on going, my mom had to come running after me fully clothed.

I remember swimming lessons and every summer I would LIVE at the pool! We eventually bought a summer home and when we were there, I would walk down to the lake everyday. On hot summer evenings me and my mom would go for "dips". We would walk down for about an hour and swim. When we moved into our summer home, we continued our routine of nightly dips. I don't recall my brother and sister wanting to go.

Maddie has taken to water like a fish just as I did. I live about a mile and a half from a nice lake/beach. The weather has been hot and humid lately so every night, we put our suits on and go for "dips".

We have been enjoying are time at the beach. Maddie has taken to collecting rocks...yes rocks. She brings home 2 or 3 and puts them in her rock jar. She loves doing this, so I let her, but honestly some are no different than the ones you would find in a parking lot, but whatever. Through our adventures, I have only one tiny complaint. I'm the type of person who can sit in a mosquito invested bog with mosquito's the size of pterodactyls and not come home with a mosquito bite. They just don't like me. Fish however, seem to love to nibble on me. I know that they are only blue gills/sun fish , but I jump out of my skin every time one takes a crack at me...yesterday was the worst, I actually looked down and saw one following me. I know I'm exaggerating a bit when I use the term "feeding frenzy" but jeez already!

Miss Independence

2008-07-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

Last week I took some time off of work and took Maddie here. Let me just say that she thought this place was the cats pajamas. She told me immediately that I could go sit down. So I left her there and sat in the waiting area. She decided she wanted bangs and she decided the length she wanted in the back! She is only 4 people! She looks like a different person, she looks older to me. I had never cut her bangs and she had a little bit of a "cousin it" quality to her hair, she was ALWAYS brushing it out of her face. She LOVES her new bangs. She doesn't even like them pushed back when she is in the bathtub, she is constantly straightening them...I think she has the makings of a Diva. As soon as my new computer arrives, I will post some pictures.

Buggin Out...

2008-07-07T13:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as I was getting dressed, I found a CENTIPEDE on my bed. I'm not sure if it had crawled there, or it fell out of the clothes I pulled out of the closet, or if it was somewhere on my person. Centipedes give me a serious case of the Heebie Jeebies! As I was panicking, looking for a boot to squash it with, it escaped under my bed. I have not found it.

Needless to say, I did not sleep very well, anything that touched my face such as: me, my hair, my eyebrows, my blankets, the dog etc. I woke up thinking it was this thing coming to get me. My rational side tells me that its probably already moved on. My irrational side, which seems to be in command here, is telling me that it is still under my bed plotting its next move and plans on attacking with all those disgusting legs when I sleep.

As is sit here working, I've been shining the flashlight under the bed every so often looking for it (I should also add that underneath my bed is NOT clutter free). I, again, am getting spooked at the slightest movement or anything brushing on my legs...poor mini.

If this horrible creature shows itself while I am on the phone, I just might come unglued.

Text

2008-07-03T15:03:00.000-07:00

Low and behold my father TEXT messaged me yesterday..."happy birthday I love and miss you Dad" ...I just responded with "thanks". Birthday wishes via text from my dad, kind of lame, but its a start I suppose. I almost wish he hadn't done anything, as I expected, because I found myself rather sad the rest of the day. I really miss my mom. I eventually went and bought myself some flowers and made myself a cake :) Maddie and I had fun baking together and she insisted on singing happy birthday about a hundred times and made me wear a crown.

My best friend Angie took me out to lunch an presented me with a Tiffany's bracelet! What a gal.

All in all, a great day.

My father...

2008-07-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

OK, so I thought of something I wanted to say, or type, whatever...This has been bothering me for a while but since I always feel like I'm complaining or being negative, I've just let it go. I am on the eve of yet another day that should be special to me that my father has decided, once again, to blow me off and pretend that I don't exist.

My parents had long since been divorced when my mom died. My dad left on Christmas day when I was 11 years old to be with another man. Yes, my father is gay, which is not something I'm ashamed of, its the manner in which he does things that bothers me. To say that my mom disliked the man would, I think, be putting it mildly, although she never did say bad things about him, the disappointment was obvious. They built a life together on nothing but lies. He left her with three kids and little to no support going forward. She had been a stay at home mom, so she was forced to join the working world with little or no experience and no car. We moved into our summer home, which he made her buy from him. Then, he moved into the house I grew up in, changed it completely and the partying started. He became a crack addict...which I think he started in order to keep up with his younger boyfriends who were never more than 5 years older than me...I'm telling you all of this to give you a picture, my fathers M.O.

When my mother died, my father, who really enjoys attention, started causing a ruckus wondering where his place was in all of this, should he go to the funeral etc....***note: if you have to question on whether or not you should go to a funeral, you probably shouldn't go***. So he called me (the sensible honest one) and we discussed it and I very delicately told him it wasn't a good idea, but it was appreciated. I considered myself closest to dad, when she died I called him and he came up and spent the day with me, when his partner died I spent many a day driving to Chicago with Maddie just to be with him. But, my mother simply wouldn't have wanted him there, and this day was about her. He continued to carry on like we hadn't even had our discussion to the point that his brothers and sisters (who all came to the funeral) were starting to get upset. Well of course, this was a bad time for us so we stopped talking to him. My brother, who works with him and loves to manipulate and play games, made his life a living hell. Instead of talking to him and letting him know what was bothering him just ignored him...which interfered with work. My sister also ignored him, easier for her because of the distance. He didn't call me until Christmas Eve. Now, I am a confronter, I would rather deal with an issue than ignore it, so naturally I picked up the phone and we talked it out. After that, he called my sister and they worked it out. My brother continued to torment him and actually got in my face one day and called me the "weakest link", saying he knew I'd crack. This was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my brother and sister.

Now to spare you all an even longer post, I'll save that rift between siblings for another time. About 2 months after my mom died we were at her house going through her things which she wanted divided equally among the three of us. In short, my sister took her appointment as executor to mean that she decided who could have what and was actually meeting my brother without me, splitting with him and leaving me what they didn't want....remember, I'm a confronter and I was dealing with 2 very big non-confronters....basically I was banished from the estate and what they didn't want sold in a garage sale...assholes? Yes. My sister also released my mothers ashes without me, didn't bother to call me. She sent me a hate letter (certified) that basically said, I cared more about my dog then my mother, my life sucked and my daughter didn't belong at moms funeral (abridged version). This is troubling in itself but since I'm posting about my dad, I'll get back to him. Where was dad through all of this? No where! He stood by and let them treat me like this...My dad when given the choice between what is easiest and what is right will take the easy path 99.9% of the time...the king of denial...example: to this day my dad will say that he and my mom had problems in their marriage because my MOM was not a good communicator and he even tried to come back after he left but she wouldn't let him. He will disregard your comments that she didn't want him back because he was gay...because he does not take responsibility for his actions. I do understand that people are like this, it is a lot easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility. I've left him a small window in my percentage because I'm sure he's chosen do to whats right at least once, although I cant think of an example. In the end, my dad could not easily manage to ride the fence between the three of us, so I walked away. He admits he's afraid of them. He stutters when he's around them (not me) and my brother actually said he felt like he was getting the short end of the stick because mom died and not dad. I find this appalling.

I don't always agree with my dad, but I love and respect him because he is my father. I'm disgusted at the way I've been treated and how my daughter has been treated. What kind of grudge do you hold against a three or four year old? This is bothersome to me, because as a parent, I could not possibly imagine treating my Maddie this way. My mother (also very confrontational) would have never tolerated such behavior no matter how old we've gotten. When holidays and birthdays roll around I find myself feeling upset all over again and more alone than ever. Sorry to unload, I feel better now.

Blocked...

2008-07-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

Everytime I log in to post something, I get writers block. Hmmm...

Hossiepops?

2008-06-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

Whats a hossiepop you ask? Beats me, but I have a thought. Maddie has been using this word lately, whether she made it up or picked it up somewhere I do not know.

When I asked her what a hossiepop is she replied, "its a lollipop" to which I said, "if its a lollipop, why don't you just say lollipop?". My child must think I'm a sucker (pun intended).

This is how she uses hossiepop in a sentence:

Maddie says "momma, can we go to the park today?" My response "no, we can't go today, its raining." Maddie's response "awwwww hossiepops!" or "oh hossiepops!".

Kiddie swear words? Roughly translated into adult language, it seems that hossiepops could mean sh*t, f*ck, or damn it. I need to nip this whole hossiepops thing in the bud.

Tiny Dancer

2008-06-24T16:30:00.000-07:00

Last September, I signed Ms. Maddie up for Ballet. This last Saturday was the big recital! Before I go on to give a glowing report about her wonderful dancing, let me give you a break down of all the f*ckery I've had to endure since September:

First of all, I never expected this to be cheap, but I've been nickle and dimed to no end. The class was $32 dollars a month...not bad really, but if you look at months like November, December and March, the months with holidays, I paid for full months and she only had two lessons. Not to mention June (only 2 lessons this month and then the recital) The outfit custom measured to fit her small four year old body was $60. There were only 3 of them to start and then after Christmas 7 more kids joined in, which was very chaotic...She has not learned a new ballet move since December! The recital fee was $70!!!! This fee was because of the "professional lighting and sound system". The show was held at the local high school and from the looks of it, we were just using their equipment. Tickets to the show were $10 a ticket and there were 2 shows, afternoon and evening and they were required to be in both.

There was a mandatory dress rehearsal last Wednesday that started at 3:30, about an hour before I was done working, an hour before everyone was done working for crying out loud as its a Wednesday! They were required to be in full make-up ($40 Mary Kay make-up), hair had to be parted on the left and put in a bun, costume, pink tights and ballet shoes. Of course they had to have professional pictures at $30 a crack.

The owner of this place has been sending these sporadic emails regarding times and prices that continually changed. One of the last emails she sent, she mentioned t-shirt pick up? What t-shirts? Apparently, everyone who signs up for dance in the fall gets a free t-shirt of this years show (which by the way was called "destinations"), those who did not sign up for dance next year may purchase a t-shirt for $18! Why on earth would new students want a t-shirt from last years show? When I told the owner that "no offense, this doesn't seem very organized", she went on to tell me that she "was the most organized dance studio as far as emails and information in the tri-county area"...what an odd and ludicrous statement, how on earth would you know if you're the most organized? What three counties? Is Hazard one of them? Anyhoo, enough about that....

The kids (3 and 4 year old) were required to check in the day of the show at 12:30 at which time they were separated from their parents for the remainder of the afternoon. The show started at 2 and Maddie was the 7th dance, after about an hour there was a 15 minute intermission (kids stilled locked in a room somewhere) and then another hour of performances, then the finale. Then we were allowed to sign them out for about 45 minutes to feed them and get them back quickly for the evening show...no time for naps or a decent meal really. We didn't get home until after 10 pm!

Despite all of this and my frustration, Maddie did great!!!! She handled being on stage beautifully and did so well...even when other kids were standing there and goofing off, she kept right up with the routine, I was SO PROUD!!!! I, of course, bought her roses and my friend bought her some beautiful flowers (and so did my friends mom). Maddie felt soooo special, I could tell, she was very pleased with herself.

I have become good friends with two of the moms in class (balances out all the problems) and we plan on signing the girls up again next year...we found another place in town, that is much less expensive and a lot more organized! HOORAY!

The following day, I took the Madster to the zoo and I'm happy to report no incidents with the goats!

Things I've learned the hard way...

2008-06-19T06:13:00.001-07:00

I plan on taking Maddie to the zoo on Sunday. We have a zoo pass and haven't gone this year yet. We love the zoo and always have a great time. Maddie has her first ballet recital on Saturday (one big giant nightmare that I will post about some other time), I figure the zoo will be a nice treat.

Thinking of the zoo reminds me of something I learned the hard way...Almost 2 years ago we were at the zoo and Maddie wanted to feed the goats, she was just three. Note to parents (although you probably already know this): It is not a good idea to yell, "there going to get you" when your 2/3 year old is trying to feed the goats. They don't understand your humor or your sarcasm. What they will do is scream/and or cry, but definitely run to put as much distance between themselves and the crazy attacking goats. There is a very fine line between having fun and your child becoming "that" kid. You know "that" kid right? "Honey, remember "that" kid that freaked out at the zoo?"

Lesson learned.

Fifteen Years...

2008-06-18T05:42:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged for a meme by Suz from Busy Bee....thanks Suz!!!

Ok, so I have to think back on the last 15 years, that's tough since I've suffered "momnesia" after giving birth to Ms. Maddie, Duchess of Wisconsin.

What would you tell someone that you hadn't seen or talked to in 15 years, what would you say to sum up your life?

You get 10 bullet points. A list of 10 to summarize the last 15 years....OK, here goes.

15 years ago, February 17 1993, to be exact, I was finished with my tour of duty and discharged from the ARMY...free at last. My friend Mike drove to California to pick me up and we spent the next 2 weeks road tripping home. We went every where, grand canyon, beautiful Colorado, couple nights in Vegas. When we arrived home, we had $5 between us. This trip would define our relationship as friends, awesome! We have travelled all over the country and the world together.
Once home, I met the man I consider my soul mate. The following summer, we moved to Colorado together. He was working on his Masters project, I got a job working for a rancher. The first part of the summer, I lived in a one room cabin in the mountains with no electricity or running water (I'll post more about this another time). I picked out my beloved dog Brier and she was a faithful companion for the next 13 years. My niece was born while I lived in Colorado. I remember I was putting a saddle on my horse getting ready for that days cattle drive and the old ranch hand Cebe came up to me and said "your sister had a girl, her name is Bailey." and then he walked away leaving me crying in a heap. I don't think my sister ever forgave me for not being there... My soul mate was killed in a car accident about a year after we got home.
By 1996, I was living in Florida lamenting and quite honestly "fermenting" over my loss. I stayed there about a year and a half before I finally realized I needed to go back home. My nephew was born while I was in Florida (another unforgivable). I had fun in Florida, but it is a much different place to live than to vacation. I also discovered that my very straight hair turns into an Afro in the Florida humidity...its never been the same. My road tripping friend once again came to get me and we road tripped home, had a blast!
1998 I was home, these next few years are what I would consider the "quiet years"... Aside from a few road trips and a trip to Europe. Lived at home with mom for a while before me and my road trip friend Mike decide to live together.
I met my baby daddy (that's the only credit he gets) shortly after Mike and I move in together. This puts a huge strain in our friendship. Mike is gay and could clearly see this was not a good person to be with, but bless him, he put up with it. I made a clean break and started a new job were I met a friend so unbelievably dear to me. We were assigned seats next to each other and we were both pregnant and told our boss on the same day. We ended up having our girls 5 days apart. Our girls are best friends and we are best friends, I thank God for her.
In October 2003, I had my wonderful Maddie. Baby daddy is long gone...only Mike remains. Having a child in the house does not fit his lifestyle, he meets someone and up and leaves one day. We do not see each other again until my mothers funeral. I move with Maddie and Brier into a charming apartment above a gift store.
August 2006, my mom woke up and couldn't walk, we assume its MS, which she has slowly struggled with (although in denial) for several years. The following day, my dad had a massive heart attack on a cruise in Alaska. Our attention is focused on my father, he had quadruple bypass and makes a full recovery. After several MS treatments, moms walking hasn't improved. After another MRI, late September, we are informed that oops, its not MS. Cancer and MS apparently look the same and she has cancer with no options for treatment and is expected to live 6 months. I'm devastated.
November 19. 2006, my wonderful mother died, three days before thanksgiving, and only a month and a half after she was finally diagnosed. She did not want to live through the holiday...she said she didn't want to put us through that. I believe she set her mind on death and death quickly followed. I wonder if I'll ever be the same. Mini the wonder dog comes to our house, per my moms request. Mike attends the funeral and we put the past behind us...20 years as friends is too long to give up.
March 19 2007, my best friend and companion for the last 12 years Brier, died on my dining room floor. 4 months to the day my mother passed. This has been very difficult to explain to my Maddie as she is so young and struggling with these concepts. She has gone on to associate Nana and Brier dying together.
Present day...still struggling trying to make sense of it all. With my moms death, I lost my brother, sister and eventually my relationship with my father because I choose to stand up for myself rather than letting people walk over me...I would rather do whats right as opposed to whats easiest. Sometimes that's hard because I feel so alone. I continue to work hard for my family and support my daughter like my mom supported me. She set the bar high. I am still waiting for mister right to come along. We are happy and healthy and we will take life as it comes and enjoy every bit of it....

That's 15 years in a very small nutshell. I tried not to focus on the negative, but there are negative moments that have changed me forever so they were worth mentioning.

Things I've learned the hard way....

2008-06-16T06:59:00.000-07:00

I should have lots of these types of posts, a continuing series. Today's "thing I've learned the hard way" is:

I'm somewhat of a clean freak, well, as much as you can be having pets and a child. I find cleaning to be very therapeutic.

I recently purchased a scrubbing bubbles shower cleaner, which I love. Once you're done showering, you just push the button and it sprays cleaner throughout the shower. Pushing the button 5 or 6 times does not get your shower any cleaner, it might however, put you into a chemically induced asthma attack.

Fathers Day.

2008-06-13T16:53:00.001-07:00

I have mixed emotions regarding Fathers Day. I'll start with this:

After being with Maddie's father for close to four years, I discovered when I was four months pregnant that he was cheating on me (he married the person he cheated on me with, cheated on her and had a baby with that person, although he's still married). I told him it was, of course, over.

A day after my ultrasound telling me she was a girl, he called and said "I don't want it", I said "She's not an it, she's a girl"...his only reply was "I don't want it, OK?". A few days later he called back to say if I went after child support, he would go after custody. For me, it was a no brainer, but of course I sought council with my family, friends, and my church. They all told me the same thing. Move on and don't look back, which I did, and I haven't. It was, after all, very clear that he did not care for his child. He was only interested in being spiteful and playing games. I had witnessed this behavior in our relationship and was very aware of his relationship with his ex-wife and it was not pretty (writing was clearly on the wall people, I just refused to read it) .

He hasn't so much as asked for a picture of my beautiful Maddie, he has no idea what she looks like. He has never called to check on her well being. She does not exist in his world.

I have no regrets, I know for absolute certain I did the right thing. I have witnessed what he has done to the other woman who had his child after me, because guess what? She went after support. I have struggled financially, and the money would have helped, but my daughters emotional and physical well being are far too important to me to sacrifice for money.

This is hard on Maddie and for that, I feel horrible. There is an entire side to her family that she will not know... father, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, grandma and grandpa. All her little friends have daddy's, and she has no one. When making projects at daycare for fathers day, Maddie did something else. She is only four and since she has never known a father, I don't think she totally gets it, but she will. Little girls need their dads, and hers is a bonehead. I hurt for her knowing that she will have hurt feelings over this someday. I know this because I have hurt and rejected feeling about my own father, Bonehead Sr. I need to vent, but I think I'll take the Madster to the park. The sun is finally shining and I can vent later when it rains!

My Maddie

2008-06-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

Today my Maddie told me I was the best mom she's ever had....even though she's only ever had me as a mom. Today is going to be a great day!

Work

2008-06-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I'm speaking to clients, I feel like I belong to a "Welcome to Earth" committee.

Aftermath...

2008-06-10T05:12:00.000-07:00

We are still cleaning up after this weekends storms. I was hoping to post pictures, buy my sucky computer is still down and the work computer limits me... There is still lots of flooding, roads closed etc. I would have to say the biggest shock came yesterday when I heard about Lake Delton.

Lake Delton is in the Wisconsin Dells. Anyone even remotely from this area is familiar with the Wisconsin Dells. The Dells are about 2 hours North of me and has always been a great spot for summertime fun, and winter fun for that matter since it is loaded with indoor waterparks. Anyhoo, Lake Delton broke through its banks yesterday spilling 600 million gallons of water into the Wisconsin river, taking several homes with it...what once was there is now GONE!!! No more lake. This is crazy to me.

Rain Soaked...

2008-06-07T16:39:00.000-07:00

Day 5 of rain, day 2 of tornado warnings, and taking shelter.... My humidity AFRO has kicked into high gear and I look ridiculous.

Meat

2008-06-06T14:36:00.000-07:00

In an effort to cook more, tonight I made breaded pork chops! I don't do very well with raw meat, it gives me the dry heaves...any raw meat, pork, beef, chicken. But, worse than actually touching raw meat or having to cut into raw meat is what I like to refer to as the "meat maxi pad" ...the little cotton square the meat sits on in the wrapper. DISGUSTING!

Rainy and Muggy

2008-06-05T06:11:00.000-07:00

I woke up early this morning before my alarm, I was convinced it was Friday, so I actually reset my alarm for a later time because I don't have to get up as early on Fridays...it was only after I was almost asleep did I finally come to my senses. Today is only Thursday, crap. Today is the third day of rainy and muggy weather, there is a pretty good thunder storm crackin right now and we are under tornado warning. My house is pitch black and Mini is barking as usual.

As much as I love a good storm, weather like this always brings me down. I was driving Maddie to daycare this morning wondering at what price does gas have to get to when I can no longer take her. Maddie's daycare is a half hour, one way, from our house. Daycare is by my office and since I started working from home, I drive there and back twice a day. I choose to do this because I trust the people at this daycare and she has been abused in a previous daycare (arms pulled out of sockets etc.) so I am way too skittish to try someone new. Preschool starts in the fall. She does stay home at least once a week while I am working and is very good about being quiet. If it was up to her, she'd stay home everyday and watch movies and play barbies but I can't give her my full attention so I don't think that's fair for her.

Some days my job sucks the big one, up one side and down the other (can you tell its one of those days?), although I'm grateful for a job.

I'm supposed to go to a wedding next weekend with one of my best friends. He invited me to go and then met someone and after about a month, moved to Hawaii with him. Now they are both coming home for the wedding and I told him I no longer wanted to go, which he thinks is silly... I have known him for 25 years, and since my mom died, I've spent the holidays with his family (even when he's been off on his most recent love boat episode). I actually lived with his parents for a while, so no one would think twice if Maddie and I were there. However, I feel that since he asked me to go and then asked someone else, I should stay home. I don't want to go with them, and his boyfriend was rude to me when we met, spending time with those two does not appeal to me. Am I being crazy? or is this as stupid and rude as it seems? I'm crabby.

I'm feeling rainy and muggy just like the weather.

Motivation

2008-06-02T05:43:00.001-07:00

This little animal is called the Naked Mole Rat and lives in Africa.

So if you're having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember: Going through life is hard enough, but to go through life looking like a dick with buck teeth must be horrible!

Mini is at it again...

2008-05-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

Mini has been barking her tiny head off all day...the great protector, who isn't much taller than a barbie doll. I work from home and spend most of my day on the phone. I actually had a customer ask me if it was "bring your dog to work day?". First of all, could you imagine the chaos that would ensue with bring your dog to work day? What about all the cat owners...how angry would they be?...not to mention the 1 in 1000 that owns a ferret. Awesome sounding on paper, but in reality, not a good idea. Even if such an event did exist, I highly doubt Mini would be invited back.

I told her " no, its beat your dog with a flip flop day"... I wouldn't of course, but she really needs to zip it.

Disturbed

2008-05-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

Saturday night in an effort to prevent another scratch and ding to my car, I decided to park in front of my apartment and risk an over night parking ticket than park in the public lot...parking a huge downside to living here even though I adore my apartment.

About 1 am I decide to hit the hay...I'm laying in bed and I hear an AWFUL loud, crunching noise and I'm thinking "oh snap, someone just hit my car damn it"...I get up and go to the window and in the street below I see a man lying motionless. That horrible noise was not a car hitting a car, it was a car hitting a person. The street seemed to fill with people instantly, and I'm guessing the majority of them were not sober as yelling and fighting began, in an effort to keep people away from the body. I yelled out the window that I was calling 911. Mini was going berserk, and this man had yet to move. The police came, order was somewhat restored and they cleared the street of people. I then watched as they cut this mans clothes off and eventually loaded him in the ambulance. Then they measured the location and marked it with chalk...the marks remain today, although with tonight's pending storms I'm quite certain they'll be gone by morning.

Living here in Smalltown USA, I have been unable to locate any type of news regarding this accident via any media outlet...TV, newspaper, radio...nothing. I have been hearing that horrible sound in my dreams and I think it would go away if I just had some information on the condition of this man. I live right downtown above a store and because it happened so late, the store owners were unaware of the accident, so no one has any type of information regarding his condition except to say that he was taken flight for life to the hospital.

I cross that street everyday, walking the dog, taking Maddie to daycare and the park. There have been several times that people haven't looked before turning and almost hit us, so careless. Its amazing to be so careful, look both ways, hold hands etc...and someone not paying attention could change your world forever.

Totally Lame

2008-05-28T06:34:00.000-07:00

Well, my personal laptop finally crapped out on me... I knew this was coming, but I hate being forced into buying something. For now, I'm using my work laptop which blows because I cant view such entertainment as "fainting goats" on youtube! Lame, lame lame! (tantrum)

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T16:07:00.000-07:00

This morning Maddie and I woke up just in time for the parade...it lasted about an hour and was actually quite pleasant, totally made up for the sucky carnival yesterday. After the parade, we went to a hotel and swam all day. All and all, a wonderful day.

I served 2 years in the ARMY in the early 90's, and had an easy tour of duty compared to some... I am grateful to the men and women who serve in the armed forces. I don't always agree with the politics of war, but I appreciate those who have fought hard, and sacrificed themselves for the sake of freedom.

Have you ever had one of those days when you wanted to punch YOURSELF in the face?

2008-05-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

Chocolate fest wasn't as fun as it looked...

"Mini"

2008-05-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

During one of our conversations when my mom was dying (jeez, thats hard to type) in November of 2006, she asked me to take her dog "Mini". I didnt even think twice, of course we would take Mini, I said yes without hesitation!

Mini is a Shih Tzu, which I pronounce "shit zoo"...which is appropriate since our house feels like a shittin zoo most of the time. Mini is a little dog and I must say, I'm partial to big dogs. My Brier was a Chesapeake and I always thought since having my daughter that it was only natural that my next dog would be a Golden, because of their reputation as loyal family dogs. I think only the good Lord knows what makes little dogs bark all the time, as I am unable to figure it out.

When Mini joined our house, Maddie was 3 and Brier was 12 and totally blind...a big adjustment for everybody. Brier wanted nothing to do with her and acted betrayed by me. Maddie didnt know when to leave the dog alone and was constantly getting nipped...never very hard, but I was desperate to make this work since I was emotionally attatched to the dog. In Mini's defense, it was a huge adjustment for her as well. A year and a half later, I think we finally understand each other. She is very needy, very loving and VERY quirky. She does not like her feet touched, so my favorite game to play with her, of course, involves touching her feet...its called "bear trap" and basically consists of me grabbing her feet when she walks by and not letting go.

This is what a shih tzu is supposed to look like:

This is what Mini looks like:

I keep her hair short because its cleaner and cooler. I keep it shaved in the winter and have a variety of outfits she can wear to keep warm which she doesnt seem to appreciate. You would think since I've taken away her natural ability to keep warm she would want to wear a lovely wool coat or perhaps a sparkely sweater...but of course you have to touch her feet to put these adorable outfits on so she's pretty surley when all is said and done...she's a perfect fit to our little family.

The most delicious thing ever...

2008-05-23T21:19:00.000-07:00

Peanut butter whoppers!

They taste just like peanut butter capn' crunch without the milk!! Awesome!

Chocolate Fest

2008-05-21T17:51:00.001-07:00

Every Memorial Day weekend the charming little town that I live in celebrates Chocolate Fest! There is a Nestle' factory in town so we have coined ourselves 'Chocolate City USA', and by we, I mean the powers that be in this town, because I'm quite sure I would have "coined" a different name...

This is the first year I'll actually be taking Maddie inside the fair grounds, in years past we've enjoyed some of the festivities but haven't actually gone inside because I wasn't going to drag a toddler around in the sweltering heat just to show off her tantrum skills to the public. This year, I think, my little thrill seeker is ready for some seemingly dangerous, poorly put-together carnival rides.

What I'm not looking forward to is my raging PMS. I can see the headlines now: Bloated lunatic tramples children in this years chocolate kiddie parade in an attempt to reach the 'chocolate indulgence wine and chocolate tasting booth' grabbing complimentary, fresh, warm Toll House Cookies along the way! ... Wish me luck!

Marley & Me

2008-05-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

In an effort to read something other than Harry Potter, I begrudgingly picked up a copy of Marley & Me...I know, I know, about two years after the rest of the country. I finished Friday night in a sobbing heap on the floor. I was crying so hard at the end of that damn book that I could no longer taste my wine and my eyes were puffy the next day, I looked pathetic taking my daughter to ballet... I should have known better, my wonderful dog Brier, reminded me very much of the dog in the book and died in a similar manner. I was devastated. Brier had been with me, a faithful companion, for almost 13 years and died 4 months to the day I lost my mom to cancer...2 best friends within months of each other. Dogs are amazing, funny and unconditionally loving creatures, as aggravating as they can be on occasion, I cant imagine life without one.

Why on Earth am I blogging?

2008-05-19T07:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure why to tell you the truth. I've read other blogs and I've laughed, cried, and I've been inspired. I"m not sure I can do any of those things, but sometimes you just have to get things out...I'm a single parent to a 4 year old and I'm going to use this forum to "let my hair down" so to speak. Sometimes you have to let it all hang out, the good, the bad and the ugly. Although, I think I will try to stick with the good!