Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Swimming Memories!

For as long as I can remember, I have loved the water...swimming especially. My mom told me when I was little I went walking into the lake and kept on going, my mom had to come running after me fully clothed.

I remember swimming lessons and every summer I would LIVE at the pool! We eventually bought a summer home and when we were there, I would walk down to the lake everyday. On hot summer evenings me and my mom would go for "dips". We would walk down for about an hour and swim. When we moved into our summer home, we continued our routine of nightly dips. I don't recall my brother and sister wanting to go.

Maddie has taken to water like a fish just as I did. I live about a mile and a half from a nice lake/beach. The weather has been hot and humid lately so every night, we put our suits on and go for "dips".

We have been enjoying are time at the beach. Maddie has taken to collecting rocks...yes rocks. She brings home 2 or 3 and puts them in her rock jar. She loves doing this, so I let her, but honestly some are no different than the ones you would find in a parking lot, but whatever. Through our adventures, I have only one tiny complaint. I'm the type of person who can sit in a mosquito invested bog with mosquito's the size of pterodactyls and not come home with a mosquito bite. They just don't like me. Fish however, seem to love to nibble on me. I know that they are only blue gills/sun fish , but I jump out of my skin every time one takes a crack at me...yesterday was the worst, I actually looked down and saw one following me. I know I'm exaggerating a bit when I use the term "feeding frenzy" but jeez already!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Miss Independence

Last week I took some time off of work and took Maddie here. Let me just say that she thought this place was the cats pajamas. She told me immediately that I could go sit down. So I left her there and sat in the waiting area. She decided she wanted bangs and she decided the length she wanted in the back! She is only 4 people! She looks like a different person, she looks older to me. I had never cut her bangs and she had a little bit of a "cousin it" quality to her hair, she was ALWAYS brushing it out of her face. She LOVES her new bangs. She doesn't even like them pushed back when she is in the bathtub, she is constantly straightening them...I think she has the makings of a Diva. As soon as my new computer arrives, I will post some pictures.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Buggin Out...

Yesterday as I was getting dressed, I found a CENTIPEDE on my bed. I'm not sure if it had crawled there, or it fell out of the clothes I pulled out of the closet, or if it was somewhere on my person. Centipedes give me a serious case of the Heebie Jeebies! As I was panicking, looking for a boot to squash it with, it escaped under my bed. I have not found it.

Needless to say, I did not sleep very well, anything that touched my face such as: me, my hair, my eyebrows, my blankets, the dog etc. I woke up thinking it was this thing coming to get me. My rational side tells me that its probably already moved on. My irrational side, which seems to be in command here, is telling me that it is still under my bed plotting its next move and plans on attacking with all those disgusting legs when I sleep.

As is sit here working, I've been shining the flashlight under the bed every so often looking for it (I should also add that underneath my bed is NOT clutter free). I, again, am getting spooked at the slightest movement or anything brushing on my legs...poor mini.

If this horrible creature shows itself while I am on the phone, I just might come unglued.

Thursday, July 3, 2008


Low and behold my father TEXT messaged me yesterday..."happy birthday I love and miss you Dad" ...I just responded with "thanks". Birthday wishes via text from my dad, kind of lame, but its a start I suppose. I almost wish he hadn't done anything, as I expected, because I found myself rather sad the rest of the day. I really miss my mom. I eventually went and bought myself some flowers and made myself a cake :) Maddie and I had fun baking together and she insisted on singing happy birthday about a hundred times and made me wear a crown.

My best friend Angie took me out to lunch an presented me with a Tiffany's bracelet! What a gal.

All in all, a great day.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

My father...

OK, so I thought of something I wanted to say, or type, whatever...This has been bothering me for a while but since I always feel like I'm complaining or being negative, I've just let it go. I am on the eve of yet another day that should be special to me that my father has decided, once again, to blow me off and pretend that I don't exist.

My parents had long since been divorced when my mom died. My dad left on Christmas day when I was 11 years old to be with another man. Yes, my father is gay, which is not something I'm ashamed of, its the manner in which he does things that bothers me. To say that my mom disliked the man would, I think, be putting it mildly, although she never did say bad things about him, the disappointment was obvious. They built a life together on nothing but lies. He left her with three kids and little to no support going forward. She had been a stay at home mom, so she was forced to join the working world with little or no experience and no car. We moved into our summer home, which he made her buy from him. Then, he moved into the house I grew up in, changed it completely and the partying started. He became a crack addict...which I think he started in order to keep up with his younger boyfriends who were never more than 5 years older than me...I'm telling you all of this to give you a picture, my fathers M.O.

When my mother died, my father, who really enjoys attention, started causing a ruckus wondering where his place was in all of this, should he go to the funeral etc....***note: if you have to question on whether or not you should go to a funeral, you probably shouldn't go***. So he called me (the sensible honest one) and we discussed it and I very delicately told him it wasn't a good idea, but it was appreciated. I considered myself closest to dad, when she died I called him and he came up and spent the day with me, when his partner died I spent many a day driving to Chicago with Maddie just to be with him. But, my mother simply wouldn't have wanted him there, and this day was about her. He continued to carry on like we hadn't even had our discussion to the point that his brothers and sisters (who all came to the funeral) were starting to get upset. Well of course, this was a bad time for us so we stopped talking to him. My brother, who works with him and loves to manipulate and play games, made his life a living hell. Instead of talking to him and letting him know what was bothering him just ignored him...which interfered with work. My sister also ignored him, easier for her because of the distance. He didn't call me until Christmas Eve. Now, I am a confronter, I would rather deal with an issue than ignore it, so naturally I picked up the phone and we talked it out. After that, he called my sister and they worked it out. My brother continued to torment him and actually got in my face one day and called me the "weakest link", saying he knew I'd crack. This was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my brother and sister.

Now to spare you all an even longer post, I'll save that rift between siblings for another time. About 2 months after my mom died we were at her house going through her things which she wanted divided equally among the three of us. In short, my sister took her appointment as executor to mean that she decided who could have what and was actually meeting my brother without me, splitting with him and leaving me what they didn't want....remember, I'm a confronter and I was dealing with 2 very big non-confronters....basically I was banished from the estate and what they didn't want sold in a garage sale...assholes? Yes. My sister also released my mothers ashes without me, didn't bother to call me. She sent me a hate letter (certified) that basically said, I cared more about my dog then my mother, my life sucked and my daughter didn't belong at moms funeral (abridged version). This is troubling in itself but since I'm posting about my dad, I'll get back to him. Where was dad through all of this? No where! He stood by and let them treat me like this...My dad when given the choice between what is easiest and what is right will take the easy path 99.9% of the time...the king of denial...example: to this day my dad will say that he and my mom had problems in their marriage because my MOM was not a good communicator and he even tried to come back after he left but she wouldn't let him. He will disregard your comments that she didn't want him back because he was gay...because he does not take responsibility for his actions. I do understand that people are like this, it is a lot easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility. I've left him a small window in my percentage because I'm sure he's chosen do to whats right at least once, although I cant think of an example. In the end, my dad could not easily manage to ride the fence between the three of us, so I walked away. He admits he's afraid of them. He stutters when he's around them (not me) and my brother actually said he felt like he was getting the short end of the stick because mom died and not dad. I find this appalling.

I don't always agree with my dad, but I love and respect him because he is my father. I'm disgusted at the way I've been treated and how my daughter has been treated. What kind of grudge do you hold against a three or four year old? This is bothersome to me, because as a parent, I could not possibly imagine treating my Maddie this way. My mother (also very confrontational) would have never tolerated such behavior no matter how old we've gotten. When holidays and birthdays roll around I find myself feeling upset all over again and more alone than ever. Sorry to unload, I feel better now.


Everytime I log in to post something, I get writers block. Hmmm...