OK, so I thought of something I wanted to say, or type, whatever...This has been bothering me for a while but since I always feel like I'm complaining or being negative, I've just let it go. I am on the eve of yet another day that should be special to me that my father has decided, once again, to blow me off and pretend that I don't exist.
My parents had long since been divorced when my mom died. My dad left on Christmas day when I was 11 years old to be with another man. Yes, my father is gay, which is not something I'm ashamed of, its the manner in which he does things that bothers me. To say that my mom disliked the man would, I think, be putting it mildly, although she never did say bad things about him, the disappointment was obvious. They built a life together on nothing but lies. He left her with three kids and little to no support going forward. She had been a stay at home mom, so she was forced to join the working world with little or no experience and no car. We moved into our summer home, which he made her buy from him. Then, he moved into the house I grew up in, changed it completely and the partying started. He became a crack addict...which I think he started in order to keep up with his younger boyfriends who were never more than 5 years older than me...I'm telling you all of this to give you a picture, my fathers M.O.
When my mother died, my father, who really enjoys attention, started causing a ruckus wondering where his place was in all of this, should he go to the funeral etc....***note: if you have to question on whether or not you should go to a funeral, you probably shouldn't go***. So he called me (the sensible honest one) and we discussed it and I very delicately told him it wasn't a good idea, but it was appreciated. I considered myself closest to dad, when she died I called him and he came up and spent the day with me, when his partner died I spent many a day driving to Chicago with Maddie just to be with him. But, my mother simply wouldn't have wanted him there, and this day was about her. He continued to carry on like we hadn't even had our discussion to the point that his brothers and sisters (who all came to the funeral) were starting to get upset. Well of course, this was a bad time for us so we stopped talking to him. My brother, who works with him and loves to manipulate and play games, made his life a living hell. Instead of talking to him and letting him know what was bothering him just ignored him...which interfered with work. My sister also ignored him, easier for her because of the distance. He didn't call me until Christmas Eve. Now, I am a confronter, I would rather deal with an issue than ignore it, so naturally I picked up the phone and we talked it out. After that, he called my sister and they worked it out. My brother continued to torment him and actually got in my face one day and called me the "weakest link", saying he knew I'd crack. This was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my brother and sister.
Now to spare you all an even longer post, I'll save that rift between siblings for another time. About 2 months after my mom died we were at her house going through her things which she wanted divided equally among the three of us. In short, my sister took her appointment as executor to mean that she decided who could have what and was actually meeting my brother without me, splitting with him and leaving me what they didn't want....remember, I'm a confronter and I was dealing with 2 very big non-confronters....basically I was banished from the estate and what they didn't want sold in a garage sale...assholes? Yes. My sister also released my mothers ashes without me, didn't bother to call me. She sent me a hate letter (certified) that basically said, I cared more about my dog then my mother, my life sucked and my daughter didn't belong at moms funeral (abridged version). This is troubling in itself but since I'm posting about my dad, I'll get back to him. Where was dad through all of this? No where! He stood by and let them treat me like this...My dad when given the choice between what is easiest and what is right will take the easy path 99.9% of the time...the king of denial...example: to this day my dad will say that he and my mom had problems in their marriage because my MOM was not a good communicator and he even tried to come back after he left but she wouldn't let him. He will disregard your comments that she didn't want him back because he was gay...because he does not take responsibility for his actions. I do understand that people are like this, it is a lot easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility. I've left him a small window in my percentage because I'm sure he's chosen do to whats right at least once, although I cant think of an example. In the end, my dad could not easily manage to ride the fence between the three of us, so I walked away. He admits he's afraid of them. He stutters when he's around them (not me) and my brother actually said he felt like he was getting the short end of the stick because mom died and not dad. I find this appalling.
I don't always agree with my dad, but I love and respect him because he is my father. I'm disgusted at the way I've been treated and how my daughter has been treated. What kind of grudge do you hold against a three or four year old? This is bothersome to me, because as a parent, I could not possibly imagine treating my Maddie this way. My mother (also very confrontational) would have never tolerated such behavior no matter how old we've gotten. When holidays and birthdays roll around I find myself feeling upset all over again and more alone than ever. Sorry to unload, I feel better now.