Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy Holidays!!!

Well, as usual, I'm behind with my posts! I meant to post well before Christmas. I loved the pictures of everyones trees and their special ornaments.

Here is my tree:

Every year, for about 13 years, the girls (plus my nephew) in my family (mom, sister, niece, Maddie, and myself) would exchange ornaments every Thanksgiving. My tree is very full with lots of special ornaments so its hard to pick a favorite. This is one of my favorites, it was given to me by my mom a year before she was not part of the exchange, she just took it off her tree and gave it to me. I didn't really like it at first, it has a lot of wear, but I absolutely love it now and it so reminds me of mom.

My uncle (fathers brother) called me and invited me to the family party, like he does every year. Because I have been having so many problems with Maddie (telling me she does not love me etc.) I decided to go. My sister wasn't going to be there and I can handle my father. I figured my brother would just ignore me. I was slightly worried about him because he's kind of unpredictable, but enough people would be around, so why not? Although not appropriate, my Christmas motto was F*CK EM! When I got there, my brother was standing outside with some cousins and walked over with a smile on his face and said "well, this is a surprise" and gave me a hug. He seemed sincere. Maddie and I had a great day. Being around family was exactly what we both needed. I saw my father, he just pretended nothing had ever happened between us...which is fine because fighting on Christmas is inappropriate. As we were leaving, my brother was outside and hugged me again and told me to call him. Weird.

Here it is New Years Eve...Maddie and I went to Chicago to have lunch with my aunt, father and brother...again, weird~ but I will wait until the holidays are over. I don't really like to go out on New Years. First because I like to spend it with Maddie, watching movies and eating snacks. We stay home because there are way to many careless people on the roads tonight (more than usual). Maddie and Mini dropped off about 2 hours ago:

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season (however you celebrate) and enjoyed yourselves and your families.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

More advise please...

I do intend to post fun pictures of our tree and playing in the 15 inches of snow we now have, but I need some friendly advice.

I am having some problems with my wonderful daughter, whom I love more than anything. For about 3 weeks now she has been a completely different little girl. I don't recognize who she is...she will come up to me and say things like "if I don't love you can I still live here?" Hurtful, not just once, but the several times she has said it...

We drove past a police officer on the way to school one morning and I said: "look, there is a police officer", she went to school and told everyone I was going to jail. She then spent the next 48 hours crying about matter what she was told. Her teacher wanted me to call the doctor. I finally explained, by giving an example, why a person would go to jail. Like a dumb ass, I explained stealing...she then spent the next 48 hours crying because she was convinced that she had stolen something. She searched her room frantically for something that did not look familiar, convinced she was a criminal. I finally had to take her to the police station to sit down and talk to them because she needs to know that they are her friends. She would not go near him, but seems a little better about the whole thing, but only a little.

A friend and I went Christmas shopping one night and Maddie stayed with her kids and husband. Apparently, he thought they broke a lamp and he yelled at them. Now, Maddie has only ever been yelled at by me, I may have a deep voice, but I'm no man. I really think it scared the bejeezes out of her because that's when I noticed the change in her. She no longer wants to go to her friends house and she continues to talk about it when we are talking about our feelings, which she woke me up at 1:50 am to do.."talk about our feelings". My friend, whose husband yelled at her (I call him "man with broken spirit", but that's a different story) , has been inquiring whats wrong with her. When I mentioned that she brought up the yelling incident again she said "you people are making it sound like he did something more"... The "you people" forced me to hang up the phone before I said something I would regret. You people!

I am going to have to call the help line at work and take Maddie in to speak with a professional, myself as well. I need to get to the bottom of whatever is going on. In the meantime, my feelings are hurt, I'm angry, sad, worried and depressed.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Just Wondering...

Since its the holidays and its usually this time of year when we really take stock of our lives...well, I do anyway - don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my life year round. Or maybe because I've been reading Twilight...

Lately, I've really started to notice how lonely I am. Lonely because I no longer have my family, yes. But also lonely because I don't have companionship in my life...a significant other. I read my favorite blogs everyday and I cant help but notice that you ladies have found your match...perfect match. Just to name a few: My sweet Karen and her wonderful Gregg, Busy Suz who has been in love for what seems like forever! Smiley and her bantering Tom. Blogistans most recently married KBL and her beloved....who has such warm, caring eyes that in every picture, no matter where they are, they absolutely radiate with the love he has for her!

I'm starting to wonder that some of the decisions I have made in my life no longer have me on a path that intersects with the man who is meant for me.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

White Christmas!

When I was growing up I use to pray for a white Christmas, these past couple of years? NO PROBLEM!!! The snow continues....this batch started with freezing rain and has since turned to snow, once the temperature drops further, driving will be impossible. I took the Madster to our Christmas parade on Friday night and it was negative 2 degrees with the windchill! Smiley, if your mom is still visiting, don't let her leave, she will get off the plane and cry.

Ms. Mad loves the snow! She doesn't mind getting all bundled up, even though she resembles Ralphies little brother from A Christmas Story! I get claustrophobic just looking at her. It takes 15-20 minutes just to get her ready to take the dog out! I will try and post a picture, cute, but ridiculous.

(love this movie)

Speaking of the dog...Mini does not like the snow. I would even go as far as to say that she loathes the snow. Despite the array of outfits I have to keep her warm in the snow, rather than prancing happy paw prints it looks like I'm walking a snake...just a body being dragged.

Monday, December 1, 2008


I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Surprisingly, I managed to get some time off of work. I had the week off from the 17th to the 21st! I made appointments and ran around, did a little Christmas shopping. The 18th was the 2 year anniversary for my moms passing...I suppose I will take the day off each year. I honestly thought I would be OK this year but these things have a funny way of sneaking up on you.

I started crying at my dentist appointment and when I was getting my caterpillars, I mean my eyebrows, waxed. I volunteered in Maddie's class one day and started crying when one of the teachers walked past wearing my mothers perfume. I shouldn't be allowed to leave the house.

I can recall when my mom was dying sitting in her living room with a pad of paper and a pen and writing down the simple things she used to make for special occasions wanting to kick my own ass for not paying attention sooner. I used to help her cook, but I didn't think I had enough confidence in the kitchen to just wing it, so I wrote everything down. I did not think to ask for the recipe for her pies, the crust especially. My sister has it and apparently does not feel I'm entitled to such information...anyhoo, for this year, and last as well I have made Thanksgiving dinner using my sheets of tear stained directions to create a meal like my mom would have made...with a few differences: 1. no pie 2. surgical gloves so I can touch the turkey without gagging or throwing up.

Thanksgiving is a time for families. My family consists of Maddie and me. We will create our own traditions. I set the table with fine china, polished the silver. Maddie made the center piece. We had a beautiful day together and I feel blessed.

Monday, November 3, 2008


We made it through another busy weekend! Our little town had trick or treating on Saturday the 24th and Sunday the 25th. Saturday was the businesses, they call it spooky city. Sunday was the houses. Miss Mad was a cheerleader for spooky city and I skipped Sunday altogether as there were SNOW flurries and it was bitter cold.

On the 30th, we went to the park in our winter coats and blankets and laid amongst the leaves and watched ghostbusters while eating popcorn and drinking hot apple cider...yum. Halloween night we went to a friends house in a neighboring town and went trick or treating...the weather was wonderful and we had a lot of fun! Maddie didn't want to be a cheerleader anymore, she wanted to be supergirl...which she would now like me to call her that permanently, I also have to call the dog "superdog" or "supermini" are so funny.

All and all a great time...except for the acting up in school which is still continuing and I'm about to pull my hair out!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Out of the loop.

That's how I feel. I don't know where I have been the last two months. I guess I have been busy, but then not really busy, just kind of detached...has anyone else felt that way?

Maddie has been doing much better in school, no more word from the teacher and I almost get the sense she's tired of me asking. Big shout out to SUZ for reading my blog and sending me some books she thought might help!! Suz, you are the best!

I cant believe its trick or treating already this weekend...we haven't even carved pumpkins yet! Maddie agreed to go as a cheerleader since I bought the costume on clearance last year. I'm thankful she is so agreeable as I do not have the time to run out and try and find her a horse costume, which is what she really wants to be. I wish I would have gotten my act together sooner so I could attempt to sew a mom used to make the best costumes. Ahhh, the good old days. Saturday she will trick or treat the businesses and then Sunday the houses. Sunday there is rain/SNOW in the forecast so we'll see.

The duchess turned 5 last week. We went out for a special dinner, baked a cake and had a quiet evening. 5!!!! OMG I still cant believe it! Maddie got a card and money from my dad and she decided she wanted to call him, which is great. The last thing I want is for my crap to become her crap as far as issues go with my family. So I called and it was awkward. I do believe that relationship is beyond repair. I refuse to let that severed relationship get me down anymore than it already has...I will always stand up for myself and my daughter regardless of the there.

One last thing...Welcome back MRS. KBL, you were missed~

Friday, October 3, 2008

So many changes...

Well, its been a while since I've posted. I don't really have an explanation other then the overwhelming feeling that I have been lost in my own life. September flew past with such speed that its almost left me in shock.

Maddie has started school (I still haven't even turned in all the requirements yet) from 8:30 to 1:00. I pick her up on my lunch break and she is home with me for the remaining 3 hours of my work day. This has been a huge change for a single parent, the only time I'm away from Maddie is during my work day and the drive to take her to and from daycare/school etc. Now a portion of my work day has Maddie in it, please don't take that the wrong way, I love my daughter more than life itself, but I feel unbalanced. I would love to be a stay at home mom, but I'm a working mom who stays at home and that is huge.

Yesterday, when I picked Maddie up from school, the teacher pulled me aside to tell me that Maddie has not been listening in school. Purposely not listening. For example: they are to sit cross legged (pretzel legged) on the mat during story time. Maddie refuses to do this, after so many times of telling her, they make her sit in a chair and then she SMILES!!!! at them. She will also shriek at the top of her lungs out of nowhere.

I was beside myself. I really didn't know what to say and I have even less of an idea what to do. Is she getting too much attention? Not enough? I realize the situation could be worse...the parent in front of me went first and her kid has been: pulling, pinching, punching, pushing, kicking and spitting. But I feel inadequate. I came home and cried and I'm still crying as I type. Maddie has no other explanation other than she misses me. The only thing I can think to do is a schedule. If Maddie is bucking the system at school then its time to get a little more regimented at home, schedule her day when she's here. Some, but little TV time. Project time. Help with dinner. I have doves, its Maddie's job to vacuum the feathers. Play time. Taking a walk together. I'm open for suggestions.

Friday, August 29, 2008

The end of an era....

Today is Maddie's last day of daycare. K4 starts on Tuesday. When Maddie was about 6 months old, I had to remove her from daycare because of bumps and bruises, the final straw was that her elbow was pulled out of her socket. I should have trusted my instincts, but I didn't. waited until her arm was just hanging painfully at her side until I finally realized she was being neglected and abused. I will always carry that guilt.

Thankfully I found "Grandma Janet", she was right down the road from work and she was starting a daycare. She came highly recommended and Maddie has been there ever since. Grandma Janet has been very generous where we've been concerned. She doesn't charge me for the days Maddie doesn't go and always makes sure I'm covered if they are closed for vacation. When I started working from home (about 40 minutes from daycare) I made the decision to keep taking her because I trust them with my child. We wake up extra early in the morning so I can drop her off and drive all the way home to start work, then again in the evening.

I'm not sure I'll cry on Maddie's first day of school. I've been dropping her off for almost five years and it has been painful to do at times, I had to. Today, I have been crying all day. All of a sudden, I feel very vulnerable, like I'm losing my safety net...The one constant I've had in my life. I will not miss the drive and certainly not the expense but I'm suddenly overwhelmed.

I think it takes a very special person to create a loving, warm, creative, and nurturing environment for other peoples children (I don't think I would have the patience)...Today, as I look back at the last four years, I am very grateful.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


I lied, and its about to blow up in my face.

For the longest time, I have been unable to get Maddie to sleep in her own room. And by longest time, I mean years. I'm tired of being kicked in the head from my sleeping wild child. She sleeps sideways, I sleep longways, as most people do. Stuffed animals litter my bed.

So...I told her that I got a letter from her school, which she is very excited to start, that said they were excited to welcome her to school, but wanted to remind everybody that this is a school for big girls and kids who don't sleep in their own room wont be able to attend. At first she didn't believe me so I showed her a letter (she can't read) and she's been in her bed ever since.

The other morning when I went to wake her, she was sleeping at the end of her bed with no blankets and I asked what happened...she said she was hot during the night. Her room has no fan so I asked why she didn't come in by me. "Because I want to go to school"...yes, I feel like a jerk.

Maddie is so proud of herself and so am I.

Tonight we have open house at her new school and she cant wait to tell them....the jig is up!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Olympic Hopeful...

We are watching the opening ceremony tonight, which has been outstanding, and I told Maddie maybe someday she could be in the Olympics. Maybe a swimmer. She started jumping up and down very excited and said "Can I wear my floaty things(water wings) on my arms so I don't sink?" Hmmmm.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

I'm bbbbaaaacccckkkk!!!!

Thank the good Lord that my new computer finally arrived. "Flamingo Pink" in color and glorious!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Swimming Memories!

For as long as I can remember, I have loved the water...swimming especially. My mom told me when I was little I went walking into the lake and kept on going, my mom had to come running after me fully clothed.

I remember swimming lessons and every summer I would LIVE at the pool! We eventually bought a summer home and when we were there, I would walk down to the lake everyday. On hot summer evenings me and my mom would go for "dips". We would walk down for about an hour and swim. When we moved into our summer home, we continued our routine of nightly dips. I don't recall my brother and sister wanting to go.

Maddie has taken to water like a fish just as I did. I live about a mile and a half from a nice lake/beach. The weather has been hot and humid lately so every night, we put our suits on and go for "dips".

We have been enjoying are time at the beach. Maddie has taken to collecting rocks...yes rocks. She brings home 2 or 3 and puts them in her rock jar. She loves doing this, so I let her, but honestly some are no different than the ones you would find in a parking lot, but whatever. Through our adventures, I have only one tiny complaint. I'm the type of person who can sit in a mosquito invested bog with mosquito's the size of pterodactyls and not come home with a mosquito bite. They just don't like me. Fish however, seem to love to nibble on me. I know that they are only blue gills/sun fish , but I jump out of my skin every time one takes a crack at me...yesterday was the worst, I actually looked down and saw one following me. I know I'm exaggerating a bit when I use the term "feeding frenzy" but jeez already!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Miss Independence

Last week I took some time off of work and took Maddie here. Let me just say that she thought this place was the cats pajamas. She told me immediately that I could go sit down. So I left her there and sat in the waiting area. She decided she wanted bangs and she decided the length she wanted in the back! She is only 4 people! She looks like a different person, she looks older to me. I had never cut her bangs and she had a little bit of a "cousin it" quality to her hair, she was ALWAYS brushing it out of her face. She LOVES her new bangs. She doesn't even like them pushed back when she is in the bathtub, she is constantly straightening them...I think she has the makings of a Diva. As soon as my new computer arrives, I will post some pictures.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Buggin Out...

Yesterday as I was getting dressed, I found a CENTIPEDE on my bed. I'm not sure if it had crawled there, or it fell out of the clothes I pulled out of the closet, or if it was somewhere on my person. Centipedes give me a serious case of the Heebie Jeebies! As I was panicking, looking for a boot to squash it with, it escaped under my bed. I have not found it.

Needless to say, I did not sleep very well, anything that touched my face such as: me, my hair, my eyebrows, my blankets, the dog etc. I woke up thinking it was this thing coming to get me. My rational side tells me that its probably already moved on. My irrational side, which seems to be in command here, is telling me that it is still under my bed plotting its next move and plans on attacking with all those disgusting legs when I sleep.

As is sit here working, I've been shining the flashlight under the bed every so often looking for it (I should also add that underneath my bed is NOT clutter free). I, again, am getting spooked at the slightest movement or anything brushing on my legs...poor mini.

If this horrible creature shows itself while I am on the phone, I just might come unglued.

Thursday, July 3, 2008


Low and behold my father TEXT messaged me yesterday..."happy birthday I love and miss you Dad" ...I just responded with "thanks". Birthday wishes via text from my dad, kind of lame, but its a start I suppose. I almost wish he hadn't done anything, as I expected, because I found myself rather sad the rest of the day. I really miss my mom. I eventually went and bought myself some flowers and made myself a cake :) Maddie and I had fun baking together and she insisted on singing happy birthday about a hundred times and made me wear a crown.

My best friend Angie took me out to lunch an presented me with a Tiffany's bracelet! What a gal.

All in all, a great day.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

My father...

OK, so I thought of something I wanted to say, or type, whatever...This has been bothering me for a while but since I always feel like I'm complaining or being negative, I've just let it go. I am on the eve of yet another day that should be special to me that my father has decided, once again, to blow me off and pretend that I don't exist.

My parents had long since been divorced when my mom died. My dad left on Christmas day when I was 11 years old to be with another man. Yes, my father is gay, which is not something I'm ashamed of, its the manner in which he does things that bothers me. To say that my mom disliked the man would, I think, be putting it mildly, although she never did say bad things about him, the disappointment was obvious. They built a life together on nothing but lies. He left her with three kids and little to no support going forward. She had been a stay at home mom, so she was forced to join the working world with little or no experience and no car. We moved into our summer home, which he made her buy from him. Then, he moved into the house I grew up in, changed it completely and the partying started. He became a crack addict...which I think he started in order to keep up with his younger boyfriends who were never more than 5 years older than me...I'm telling you all of this to give you a picture, my fathers M.O.

When my mother died, my father, who really enjoys attention, started causing a ruckus wondering where his place was in all of this, should he go to the funeral etc....***note: if you have to question on whether or not you should go to a funeral, you probably shouldn't go***. So he called me (the sensible honest one) and we discussed it and I very delicately told him it wasn't a good idea, but it was appreciated. I considered myself closest to dad, when she died I called him and he came up and spent the day with me, when his partner died I spent many a day driving to Chicago with Maddie just to be with him. But, my mother simply wouldn't have wanted him there, and this day was about her. He continued to carry on like we hadn't even had our discussion to the point that his brothers and sisters (who all came to the funeral) were starting to get upset. Well of course, this was a bad time for us so we stopped talking to him. My brother, who works with him and loves to manipulate and play games, made his life a living hell. Instead of talking to him and letting him know what was bothering him just ignored him...which interfered with work. My sister also ignored him, easier for her because of the distance. He didn't call me until Christmas Eve. Now, I am a confronter, I would rather deal with an issue than ignore it, so naturally I picked up the phone and we talked it out. After that, he called my sister and they worked it out. My brother continued to torment him and actually got in my face one day and called me the "weakest link", saying he knew I'd crack. This was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my brother and sister.

Now to spare you all an even longer post, I'll save that rift between siblings for another time. About 2 months after my mom died we were at her house going through her things which she wanted divided equally among the three of us. In short, my sister took her appointment as executor to mean that she decided who could have what and was actually meeting my brother without me, splitting with him and leaving me what they didn't want....remember, I'm a confronter and I was dealing with 2 very big non-confronters....basically I was banished from the estate and what they didn't want sold in a garage sale...assholes? Yes. My sister also released my mothers ashes without me, didn't bother to call me. She sent me a hate letter (certified) that basically said, I cared more about my dog then my mother, my life sucked and my daughter didn't belong at moms funeral (abridged version). This is troubling in itself but since I'm posting about my dad, I'll get back to him. Where was dad through all of this? No where! He stood by and let them treat me like this...My dad when given the choice between what is easiest and what is right will take the easy path 99.9% of the time...the king of denial...example: to this day my dad will say that he and my mom had problems in their marriage because my MOM was not a good communicator and he even tried to come back after he left but she wouldn't let him. He will disregard your comments that she didn't want him back because he was gay...because he does not take responsibility for his actions. I do understand that people are like this, it is a lot easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility. I've left him a small window in my percentage because I'm sure he's chosen do to whats right at least once, although I cant think of an example. In the end, my dad could not easily manage to ride the fence between the three of us, so I walked away. He admits he's afraid of them. He stutters when he's around them (not me) and my brother actually said he felt like he was getting the short end of the stick because mom died and not dad. I find this appalling.

I don't always agree with my dad, but I love and respect him because he is my father. I'm disgusted at the way I've been treated and how my daughter has been treated. What kind of grudge do you hold against a three or four year old? This is bothersome to me, because as a parent, I could not possibly imagine treating my Maddie this way. My mother (also very confrontational) would have never tolerated such behavior no matter how old we've gotten. When holidays and birthdays roll around I find myself feeling upset all over again and more alone than ever. Sorry to unload, I feel better now.


Everytime I log in to post something, I get writers block. Hmmm...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


Whats a hossiepop you ask? Beats me, but I have a thought. Maddie has been using this word lately, whether she made it up or picked it up somewhere I do not know.

When I asked her what a hossiepop is she replied, "its a lollipop" to which I said, "if its a lollipop, why don't you just say lollipop?". My child must think I'm a sucker (pun intended).

This is how she uses hossiepop in a sentence:

Maddie says "momma, can we go to the park today?" My response "no, we can't go today, its raining." Maddie's response "awwwww hossiepops!" or "oh hossiepops!".

Kiddie swear words? Roughly translated into adult language, it seems that hossiepops could mean sh*t, f*ck, or damn it. I need to nip this whole hossiepops thing in the bud.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Tiny Dancer

Last September, I signed Ms. Maddie up for Ballet. This last Saturday was the big recital! Before I go on to give a glowing report about her wonderful dancing, let me give you a break down of all the f*ckery I've had to endure since September:

First of all, I never expected this to be cheap, but I've been nickle and dimed to no end. The class was $32 dollars a month...not bad really, but if you look at months like November, December and March, the months with holidays, I paid for full months and she only had two lessons. Not to mention June (only 2 lessons this month and then the recital) The outfit custom measured to fit her small four year old body was $60. There were only 3 of them to start and then after Christmas 7 more kids joined in, which was very chaotic...She has not learned a new ballet move since December! The recital fee was $70!!!! This fee was because of the "professional lighting and sound system". The show was held at the local high school and from the looks of it, we were just using their equipment. Tickets to the show were $10 a ticket and there were 2 shows, afternoon and evening and they were required to be in both.

There was a mandatory dress rehearsal last Wednesday that started at 3:30, about an hour before I was done working, an hour before everyone was done working for crying out loud as its a Wednesday! They were required to be in full make-up ($40 Mary Kay make-up), hair had to be parted on the left and put in a bun, costume, pink tights and ballet shoes. Of course they had to have professional pictures at $30 a crack.

The owner of this place has been sending these sporadic emails regarding times and prices that continually changed. One of the last emails she sent, she mentioned t-shirt pick up? What t-shirts? Apparently, everyone who signs up for dance in the fall gets a free t-shirt of this years show (which by the way was called "destinations"), those who did not sign up for dance next year may purchase a t-shirt for $18! Why on earth would new students want a t-shirt from last years show? When I told the owner that "no offense, this doesn't seem very organized", she went on to tell me that she "was the most organized dance studio as far as emails and information in the tri-county area"...what an odd and ludicrous statement, how on earth would you know if you're the most organized? What three counties? Is Hazard one of them? Anyhoo, enough about that....

The kids (3 and 4 year old) were required to check in the day of the show at 12:30 at which time they were separated from their parents for the remainder of the afternoon. The show started at 2 and Maddie was the 7th dance, after about an hour there was a 15 minute intermission (kids stilled locked in a room somewhere) and then another hour of performances, then the finale. Then we were allowed to sign them out for about 45 minutes to feed them and get them back quickly for the evening time for naps or a decent meal really. We didn't get home until after 10 pm!

Despite all of this and my frustration, Maddie did great!!!! She handled being on stage beautifully and did so well...even when other kids were standing there and goofing off, she kept right up with the routine, I was SO PROUD!!!! I, of course, bought her roses and my friend bought her some beautiful flowers (and so did my friends mom). Maddie felt soooo special, I could tell, she was very pleased with herself.

I have become good friends with two of the moms in class (balances out all the problems) and we plan on signing the girls up again next year...we found another place in town, that is much less expensive and a lot more organized! HOORAY!

The following day, I took the Madster to the zoo and I'm happy to report no incidents with the goats!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Things I've learned the hard way...

I plan on taking Maddie to the zoo on Sunday. We have a zoo pass and haven't gone this year yet. We love the zoo and always have a great time. Maddie has her first ballet recital on Saturday (one big giant nightmare that I will post about some other time), I figure the zoo will be a nice treat.

Thinking of the zoo reminds me of something I learned the hard way...Almost 2 years ago we were at the zoo and Maddie wanted to feed the goats, she was just three. Note to parents (although you probably already know this): It is not a good idea to yell, "there going to get you" when your 2/3 year old is trying to feed the goats. They don't understand your humor or your sarcasm. What they will do is scream/and or cry, but definitely run to put as much distance between themselves and the crazy attacking goats. There is a very fine line between having fun and your child becoming "that" kid. You know "that" kid right? "Honey, remember "that" kid that freaked out at the zoo?"

Lesson learned.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Fifteen Years...

I have been tagged for a meme by Suz from Busy Bee....thanks Suz!!!

Ok, so I have to think back on the last 15 years, that's tough since I've suffered "momnesia" after giving birth to Ms. Maddie, Duchess of Wisconsin.

What would you tell someone that you hadn't seen or talked to in 15 years, what would you say to sum up your life?

You get 10 bullet points. A list of 10 to summarize the last 15 years....OK, here goes.

  • 15 years ago, February 17 1993, to be exact, I was finished with my tour of duty and discharged from the at last. My friend Mike drove to California to pick me up and we spent the next 2 weeks road tripping home. We went every where, grand canyon, beautiful Colorado, couple nights in Vegas. When we arrived home, we had $5 between us. This trip would define our relationship as friends, awesome! We have travelled all over the country and the world together.
  • Once home, I met the man I consider my soul mate. The following summer, we moved to Colorado together. He was working on his Masters project, I got a job working for a rancher. The first part of the summer, I lived in a one room cabin in the mountains with no electricity or running water (I'll post more about this another time). I picked out my beloved dog Brier and she was a faithful companion for the next 13 years. My niece was born while I lived in Colorado. I remember I was putting a saddle on my horse getting ready for that days cattle drive and the old ranch hand Cebe came up to me and said "your sister had a girl, her name is Bailey." and then he walked away leaving me crying in a heap. I don't think my sister ever forgave me for not being there... My soul mate was killed in a car accident about a year after we got home.
  • By 1996, I was living in Florida lamenting and quite honestly "fermenting" over my loss. I stayed there about a year and a half before I finally realized I needed to go back home. My nephew was born while I was in Florida (another unforgivable). I had fun in Florida, but it is a much different place to live than to vacation. I also discovered that my very straight hair turns into an Afro in the Florida humidity...its never been the same. My road tripping friend once again came to get me and we road tripped home, had a blast!
  • 1998 I was home, these next few years are what I would consider the "quiet years"... Aside from a few road trips and a trip to Europe. Lived at home with mom for a while before me and my road trip friend Mike decide to live together.
  • I met my baby daddy (that's the only credit he gets) shortly after Mike and I move in together. This puts a huge strain in our friendship. Mike is gay and could clearly see this was not a good person to be with, but bless him, he put up with it. I made a clean break and started a new job were I met a friend so unbelievably dear to me. We were assigned seats next to each other and we were both pregnant and told our boss on the same day. We ended up having our girls 5 days apart. Our girls are best friends and we are best friends, I thank God for her.
  • In October 2003, I had my wonderful Maddie. Baby daddy is long gone...only Mike remains. Having a child in the house does not fit his lifestyle, he meets someone and up and leaves one day. We do not see each other again until my mothers funeral. I move with Maddie and Brier into a charming apartment above a gift store.
  • August 2006, my mom woke up and couldn't walk, we assume its MS, which she has slowly struggled with (although in denial) for several years. The following day, my dad had a massive heart attack on a cruise in Alaska. Our attention is focused on my father, he had quadruple bypass and makes a full recovery. After several MS treatments, moms walking hasn't improved. After another MRI, late September, we are informed that oops, its not MS. Cancer and MS apparently look the same and she has cancer with no options for treatment and is expected to live 6 months. I'm devastated.
  • November 19. 2006, my wonderful mother died, three days before thanksgiving, and only a month and a half after she was finally diagnosed. She did not want to live through the holiday...she said she didn't want to put us through that. I believe she set her mind on death and death quickly followed. I wonder if I'll ever be the same. Mini the wonder dog comes to our house, per my moms request. Mike attends the funeral and we put the past behind us...20 years as friends is too long to give up.
  • March 19 2007, my best friend and companion for the last 12 years Brier, died on my dining room floor. 4 months to the day my mother passed. This has been very difficult to explain to my Maddie as she is so young and struggling with these concepts. She has gone on to associate Nana and Brier dying together.
  • Present day...still struggling trying to make sense of it all. With my moms death, I lost my brother, sister and eventually my relationship with my father because I choose to stand up for myself rather than letting people walk over me...I would rather do whats right as opposed to whats easiest. Sometimes that's hard because I feel so alone. I continue to work hard for my family and support my daughter like my mom supported me. She set the bar high. I am still waiting for mister right to come along. We are happy and healthy and we will take life as it comes and enjoy every bit of it....

That's 15 years in a very small nutshell. I tried not to focus on the negative, but there are negative moments that have changed me forever so they were worth mentioning.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Things I've learned the hard way....

I should have lots of these types of posts, a continuing series. Today's "thing I've learned the hard way" is:

I'm somewhat of a clean freak, well, as much as you can be having pets and a child. I find cleaning to be very therapeutic.

I recently purchased a scrubbing bubbles shower cleaner, which I love. Once you're done showering, you just push the button and it sprays cleaner throughout the shower. Pushing the button 5 or 6 times does not get your shower any cleaner, it might however, put you into a chemically induced asthma attack.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Fathers Day.

I have mixed emotions regarding Fathers Day. I'll start with this:

After being with Maddie's father for close to four years, I discovered when I was four months pregnant that he was cheating on me (he married the person he cheated on me with, cheated on her and had a baby with that person, although he's still married). I told him it was, of course, over.

A day after my ultrasound telling me she was a girl, he called and said "I don't want it", I said "She's not an it, she's a girl"...his only reply was "I don't want it, OK?". A few days later he called back to say if I went after child support, he would go after custody. For me, it was a no brainer, but of course I sought council with my family, friends, and my church. They all told me the same thing. Move on and don't look back, which I did, and I haven't. It was, after all, very clear that he did not care for his child. He was only interested in being spiteful and playing games. I had witnessed this behavior in our relationship and was very aware of his relationship with his ex-wife and it was not pretty (writing was clearly on the wall people, I just refused to read it) .

He hasn't so much as asked for a picture of my beautiful Maddie, he has no idea what she looks like. He has never called to check on her well being. She does not exist in his world.

I have no regrets, I know for absolute certain I did the right thing. I have witnessed what he has done to the other woman who had his child after me, because guess what? She went after support. I have struggled financially, and the money would have helped, but my daughters emotional and physical well being are far too important to me to sacrifice for money.

This is hard on Maddie and for that, I feel horrible. There is an entire side to her family that she will not know... father, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, grandma and grandpa. All her little friends have daddy's, and she has no one. When making projects at daycare for fathers day, Maddie did something else. She is only four and since she has never known a father, I don't think she totally gets it, but she will. Little girls need their dads, and hers is a bonehead. I hurt for her knowing that she will have hurt feelings over this someday. I know this because I have hurt and rejected feeling about my own father, Bonehead Sr. I need to vent, but I think I'll take the Madster to the park. The sun is finally shining and I can vent later when it rains!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

My Maddie

Today my Maddie told me I was the best mom she's ever had....even though she's only ever had me as a mom. Today is going to be a great day!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


Sometimes when I'm speaking to clients, I feel like I belong to a "Welcome to Earth" committee.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


We are still cleaning up after this weekends storms. I was hoping to post pictures, buy my sucky computer is still down and the work computer limits me... There is still lots of flooding, roads closed etc. I would have to say the biggest shock came yesterday when I heard about Lake Delton.

Lake Delton is in the Wisconsin Dells. Anyone even remotely from this area is familiar with the Wisconsin Dells. The Dells are about 2 hours North of me and has always been a great spot for summertime fun, and winter fun for that matter since it is loaded with indoor waterparks. Anyhoo, Lake Delton broke through its banks yesterday spilling 600 million gallons of water into the Wisconsin river, taking several homes with it...what once was there is now GONE!!! No more lake. This is crazy to me.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Rain Soaked...

Day 5 of rain, day 2 of tornado warnings, and taking shelter.... My humidity AFRO has kicked into high gear and I look ridiculous.

Friday, June 6, 2008


In an effort to cook more, tonight I made breaded pork chops! I don't do very well with raw meat, it gives me the dry heaves...any raw meat, pork, beef, chicken. But, worse than actually touching raw meat or having to cut into raw meat is what I like to refer to as the "meat maxi pad" ...the little cotton square the meat sits on in the wrapper. DISGUSTING!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Rainy and Muggy

I woke up early this morning before my alarm, I was convinced it was Friday, so I actually reset my alarm for a later time because I don't have to get up as early on was only after I was almost asleep did I finally come to my senses. Today is only Thursday, crap. Today is the third day of rainy and muggy weather, there is a pretty good thunder storm crackin right now and we are under tornado warning. My house is pitch black and Mini is barking as usual.

As much as I love a good storm, weather like this always brings me down. I was driving Maddie to daycare this morning wondering at what price does gas have to get to when I can no longer take her. Maddie's daycare is a half hour, one way, from our house. Daycare is by my office and since I started working from home, I drive there and back twice a day. I choose to do this because I trust the people at this daycare and she has been abused in a previous daycare (arms pulled out of sockets etc.) so I am way too skittish to try someone new. Preschool starts in the fall. She does stay home at least once a week while I am working and is very good about being quiet. If it was up to her, she'd stay home everyday and watch movies and play barbies but I can't give her my full attention so I don't think that's fair for her.

Some days my job sucks the big one, up one side and down the other (can you tell its one of those days?), although I'm grateful for a job.

I'm supposed to go to a wedding next weekend with one of my best friends. He invited me to go and then met someone and after about a month, moved to Hawaii with him. Now they are both coming home for the wedding and I told him I no longer wanted to go, which he thinks is silly... I have known him for 25 years, and since my mom died, I've spent the holidays with his family (even when he's been off on his most recent love boat episode). I actually lived with his parents for a while, so no one would think twice if Maddie and I were there. However, I feel that since he asked me to go and then asked someone else, I should stay home. I don't want to go with them, and his boyfriend was rude to me when we met, spending time with those two does not appeal to me. Am I being crazy? or is this as stupid and rude as it seems? I'm crabby.

I'm feeling rainy and muggy just like the weather.

Monday, June 2, 2008


This little animal is called the Naked Mole Rat and lives in Africa.

So if you're having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember: Going through life is hard enough, but to go through life looking like a dick with buck teeth must be horrible!

Friday, May 30, 2008

Mini is at it again...

Mini has been barking her tiny head off all day...the great protector, who isn't much taller than a barbie doll. I work from home and spend most of my day on the phone. I actually had a customer ask me if it was "bring your dog to work day?". First of all, could you imagine the chaos that would ensue with bring your dog to work day? What about all the cat angry would they be?...not to mention the 1 in 1000 that owns a ferret. Awesome sounding on paper, but in reality, not a good idea. Even if such an event did exist, I highly doubt Mini would be invited back.

I told her " no, its beat your dog with a flip flop day"... I wouldn't of course, but she really needs to zip it.

Thursday, May 29, 2008


Saturday night in an effort to prevent another scratch and ding to my car, I decided to park in front of my apartment and risk an over night parking ticket than park in the public lot...parking a huge downside to living here even though I adore my apartment.

About 1 am I decide to hit the hay...I'm laying in bed and I hear an AWFUL loud, crunching noise and I'm thinking "oh snap, someone just hit my car damn it"...I get up and go to the window and in the street below I see a man lying motionless. That horrible noise was not a car hitting a car, it was a car hitting a person. The street seemed to fill with people instantly, and I'm guessing the majority of them were not sober as yelling and fighting began, in an effort to keep people away from the body. I yelled out the window that I was calling 911. Mini was going berserk, and this man had yet to move. The police came, order was somewhat restored and they cleared the street of people. I then watched as they cut this mans clothes off and eventually loaded him in the ambulance. Then they measured the location and marked it with chalk...the marks remain today, although with tonight's pending storms I'm quite certain they'll be gone by morning.

Living here in Smalltown USA, I have been unable to locate any type of news regarding this accident via any media outlet...TV, newspaper, radio...nothing. I have been hearing that horrible sound in my dreams and I think it would go away if I just had some information on the condition of this man. I live right downtown above a store and because it happened so late, the store owners were unaware of the accident, so no one has any type of information regarding his condition except to say that he was taken flight for life to the hospital.

I cross that street everyday, walking the dog, taking Maddie to daycare and the park. There have been several times that people haven't looked before turning and almost hit us, so careless. Its amazing to be so careful, look both ways, hold hands etc...and someone not paying attention could change your world forever.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Totally Lame

Well, my personal laptop finally crapped out on me... I knew this was coming, but I hate being forced into buying something. For now, I'm using my work laptop which blows because I cant view such entertainment as "fainting goats" on youtube! Lame, lame lame! (tantrum)

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day

This morning Maddie and I woke up just in time for the lasted about an hour and was actually quite pleasant, totally made up for the sucky carnival yesterday. After the parade, we went to a hotel and swam all day. All and all, a wonderful day.

I served 2 years in the ARMY in the early 90's, and had an easy tour of duty compared to some... I am grateful to the men and women who serve in the armed forces. I don't always agree with the politics of war, but I appreciate those who have fought hard, and sacrificed themselves for the sake of freedom.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Saturday, May 24, 2008


During one of our conversations when my mom was dying (jeez, thats hard to type) in November of 2006, she asked me to take her dog "Mini". I didnt even think twice, of course we would take Mini, I said yes without hesitation!

Mini is a Shih Tzu, which I pronounce "shit zoo"...which is appropriate since our house feels like a shittin zoo most of the time. Mini is a little dog and I must say, I'm partial to big dogs. My Brier was a Chesapeake and I always thought since having my daughter that it was only natural that my next dog would be a Golden, because of their reputation as loyal family dogs. I think only the good Lord knows what makes little dogs bark all the time, as I am unable to figure it out.

When Mini joined our house, Maddie was 3 and Brier was 12 and totally blind...a big adjustment for everybody. Brier wanted nothing to do with her and acted betrayed by me. Maddie didnt know when to leave the dog alone and was constantly getting nipped...never very hard, but I was desperate to make this work since I was emotionally attatched to the dog. In Mini's defense, it was a huge adjustment for her as well. A year and a half later, I think we finally understand each other. She is very needy, very loving and VERY quirky. She does not like her feet touched, so my favorite game to play with her, of course, involves touching her feet...its called "bear trap" and basically consists of me grabbing her feet when she walks by and not letting go.

This is what a shih tzu is supposed to look like:

This is what Mini looks like:

I keep her hair short because its cleaner and cooler. I keep it shaved in the winter and have a variety of outfits she can wear to keep warm which she doesnt seem to appreciate. You would think since I've taken away her natural ability to keep warm she would want to wear a lovely wool coat or perhaps a sparkely sweater...but of course you have to touch her feet to put these adorable outfits on so she's pretty surley when all is said and done...she's a perfect fit to our little family.

Friday, May 23, 2008

The most delicious thing ever...

Peanut butter whoppers!

They taste just like peanut butter capn' crunch without the milk!! Awesome!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Chocolate Fest

Every Memorial Day weekend the charming little town that I live in celebrates Chocolate Fest! There is a Nestle' factory in town so we have coined ourselves 'Chocolate City USA', and by we, I mean the powers that be in this town, because I'm quite sure I would have "coined" a different name...

This is the first year I'll actually be taking Maddie inside the fair grounds, in years past we've enjoyed some of the festivities but haven't actually gone inside because I wasn't going to drag a toddler around in the sweltering heat just to show off her tantrum skills to the public. This year, I think, my little thrill seeker is ready for some seemingly dangerous, poorly put-together carnival rides.

What I'm not looking forward to is my raging PMS. I can see the headlines now: Bloated lunatic tramples children in this years chocolate kiddie parade in an attempt to reach the 'chocolate indulgence wine and chocolate tasting booth' grabbing complimentary, fresh, warm Toll House Cookies along the way! ... Wish me luck!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Marley & Me

In an effort to read something other than Harry Potter, I begrudgingly picked up a copy of Marley & Me...I know, I know, about two years after the rest of the country. I finished Friday night in a sobbing heap on the floor. I was crying so hard at the end of that damn book that I could no longer taste my wine and my eyes were puffy the next day, I looked pathetic taking my daughter to ballet... I should have known better, my wonderful dog Brier, reminded me very much of the dog in the book and died in a similar manner. I was devastated. Brier had been with me, a faithful companion, for almost 13 years and died 4 months to the day I lost my mom to cancer...2 best friends within months of each other. Dogs are amazing, funny and unconditionally loving creatures, as aggravating as they can be on occasion, I cant imagine life without one.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Why on Earth am I blogging?

I'm not really sure why to tell you the truth. I've read other blogs and I've laughed, cried, and I've been inspired. I"m not sure I can do any of those things, but sometimes you just have to get things out...I'm a single parent to a 4 year old and I'm going to use this forum to "let my hair down" so to speak. Sometimes you have to let it all hang out, the good, the bad and the ugly. Although, I think I will try to stick with the good!