Guess who just turned 6!!!!

I took it harder than her first day of school!

The bird whisperer

First day of school...

Howdy strangers!!! I know its been a while but I've been keeping tabs on you all! I'm shocked that summer has come and gone and my baby is no longer a baby.

Not sure what to title this:

My Aunt died 2 weeks ago...yet another loss to that horrible monster Cancer. She was my dads sister. My father is one of eight...big family? I think so since I was only one of three. This was very hard on all of them, not only did they lose a beloved sister but I believe more than one of them started to face their own mortality. I think that's natural, but my father actually told me to prepare myself for alot more funerals....his M.O. has always been saying the most inappropriate thing at the most inopportune time.

By some miracle I got the time off of work to go and drove down to Chicago both days for the wake and the funeral. As I stood in front of the open casket, I tried like hell to summon the appropriate emotion, but I couldn't...I feel sad, at one point I considered myself close to my aunt, I certainly loved her dearly, my heart ached for my uncle and my cousins, but I felt nothing. I was numb. People come up and say "doesn't she look beautiful" or "didn't they do a great job"...my honest thought is: no, she looks like she fought hard and lost, she gave everything she had and it wasn't enough. There is beauty in the determination but not the final result. Maybe my emotions are all used up. I feel selfish and ugly and wish I could offer more, but I stood there with my mouth shut, no comfort whatsoever.

Then my sister walked in. I have not spoken to her in 2 1/2 years, since my mom died. We were at moms house going through stuff and my brother got mad over a Christmas ornament. That was all it took for my sister to snap. She kicked me out of the house. She sent me a nasty letter calling me a bad mother, criticizing my then 3 year old. Told me she was tired of me "boo hooing" over mom. And said the list of things wrong with me is too long and goes too far back to list in her paragraph, single spaced, typed letter that she had certified mailed to me so she would be assured that I received such an emotional blow. She went on and had movers deliver a piece of furniture to my house which cost my portion of the estate $800 even though I had friends who were going to pick it up. She and my brother went through the stuff and picked out what they wanted and sold the rest in a garage sale. The biggest blow was distributing my mothers ashes according to her wishes without notifying me or giving me a chance to say a final goodbye. Over the past 2 years she has ignored my daughter every birthday and Christmas...and here she was.

I walked over to them with Maddie who was so excited to see my niece "B" and didn't recognize her when I was pointing right at her...alot changes in 2 years. B started crying and hugged me right away. Then my sister grabbed me and hugged me and cried and told me she was sorry and she did so many mean things to me but she was so angry that mom died. (no kidding, who would have guessed). I'm not sure I went through that type of anger, but I was very very sad for a very long time, sad and alone.

She has been texting me, just casual, how you doing type stuff...I respond pleasantly, but once again I'm unable to summon the appropriate emotion. Yes, she did mean stuff and I do consider myself a forgiving person, but so much time has passed and I'm not sure what I feel. To me, it was never about "stuff or money" there wasnt alot of either.

Mothers Day!

I had a wonderful day! Maddie had decorated a pot and planted a beautiful little flower for me. She made this at school (I'm quite surprised the teachers didn't encourage her to pee on it as they can no longer stand me, but this is a post for another time...and they will be getting a very strongly worded letter shortly).

We went to the zoo. We get a zoo pass every year and go quite often. Maddie loves all the animals and I think its good exercise...we usually go a few times a month but this was our first trip of the season. The weather was great. I ran into an old friend, who I thought I had seen pretty recently but since she had two kids and didn't have any the last time we hung out I guess it was not that recently. I tend to do that (if it hasn't been obvious with my posts) I fly under the radar for a while and then resurface. I have wonderful friends that I see every blue moon. She asked about my mom and of course told her she died (hard to say out loud I guess) I started crying...but did manage to pull myself together rather quickly. I thought about my mom quite a bit as I always do, yesterday I wore her perfume, is that weird?

Maddie did all her favorites: rode the ponies, train, carousel, and fed the goats (they didn't seem all that hungry and she was practically force feeding them). I took lots of pictures, but naturally I forgot my digital camera and had to use one of those throw away cameras...will post when I get them developed!

Off to the grocery store and we cooked a delicious meal. Made my favorite fruit salad that my mom always made. Then we decided to watch a movie. Maddie wanted Scooby Doo and I wanted Harry Potter, since we couldn't agree we decided on Annie. We finished the night with the 3 S's: singing, snuggling and snacking!

Saving the Earth

Maddie, Mini and I went for a walk last night. I grabbed a garbage bag (to clean up after Mini) and Maddie grabbed one as well...I asked her what her bag was for and she said "picking up garbage so I can save the Earth"! That is exactly what she did, she picked up garbage the whole way!!! She is awesome!

Coloring

Maddie brought this beautiful work of art home today. I realize those 2 green nubs in front are probably suppose to be the arms or paws.

To me it looks like an armless kangaroo with boobs.

Book club, fighting and skipping meals

I started a book club with a mom from Maddie's class. I have read, so far, a lot of really great books and had wonderful fellowship with someone who understands my frustration with the school etc. We used to meet in a cute little coffee shop and discuss our books, we have slowly migrated to the bar and now discuss over bloody mary's.

Her husband works late on Wednesday night, so our kids have had a standing play date every Wednesday for the past two months...this Wednesday is rollerskating; wish me luck that I don't break anything as it has been YEARS since I've been on skates. Although, with the right music, I'm quite certain I can remember the carefully prepared skating routines of my youth!

Update: Maddie is still going to talk with someone about once a month. So far, the therapist says shes: engaging, delightful, looks you in the eye when talking, plays wonderfully...in other words a happy, normal child. She senses some anxiety about school and is starting to question what is going on there.


Hmmm interesting right? Let me give you a snapshot of her day, say Friday for example.


There is a little boy in her class who, sadly, really does have some anger issues. I have seen him in front of teachers and all the parents, kick and hit and push my book club mom's son. They constantly have to be separated! When this kid loses control its like he can't focus, nothing behind his eyes type of not focus, he really gets angry. Have any of you ever witnessed something like that? Not only is it scary, but its heartbreaking because he's only 5 for goodness sake. Book club son was not in school Friday so this kids new target was my Maddie...not the first time, he caused a ruckus in the lunch room last week because he was throwing her lunch box and hitting her.


Maddie was playing leapfrog and bumped into him and he started kicking her, when she fell, he kicked her in the stomach. Apparently, what happened next was described as "fists were flying" and Maddie had to be pulled off this kid 3 separate times. Maddie was sent to the directors office for fighting where she had to stand in the corner for a half an hour. Then these fools made them eat lunch alone together where they had to pull them apart again. Disappointed? Yes, very. Mad? Not at Maddie. I'm very surprised because I have never, ever heard of or witnessed her hitting ANYBODY! If the teachers refuse to do something to protect all the kids in the class then I'm glad she was able to defend herself, but holy crap, this is preschool people.


A few of the parents no longer want this child in class, he is disruptive and violent and I happen to agree. If this continues, since it is only preschool, I will pull her before the year is up. I will not have my adorable little girl brawling like a hoodlum.


Sadly, two of Fridays meals were missed because of this incident when my potty mouth got the best of me.

Out of the mouth of my babe

Since my last post, I've been reminiscing over some of the truly humiliating things that my daughter has said in front of people. Of course only the embarrassing stuff is said clear as a bell, not in toddler speak only a parent can understand.

We were walking down the street about 6 months ago and an older couple was walking towards us when Maddie said "mom, scoot over, here come some old people and we don't want them to fall on us". As if older people fall all over unsuspecting passersby. They heard. Embarrassing? Yes. The worst? No.

The worst that I can recall was when I went to pick her up at daycare, along with at least 5 other moms and dads. I had previously cut my thigh shaving (thigh is kind of stretching it as I cut myself closer to my knee) and my wonderful almost 4 year old says "hey momma, remember when you cut your crotch shaving?" Good Lord, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Still missing meals!

I am still missing random meals. I've noticed that when I do swear, its usually when I'm having conversations with myself. I try very hard not to swear in front of Maddie because honestly there is nothing more disturbing then the word douche bag passing through a three year olds lips (even more disturbing when she used it properly when somebody cut me off in traffic)....so I learned a while ago to watch my mouth in front of her. I find when I miss meals I am completely by myself, usually working, or reading, or watching TV~dumb, dumb, dumb.

My very best friend, and my partner in this is looking forward to Easter when she can celebrate the resurrection...of her cursing.

I'm still convinced I'll be cured.

Day 2

I'm starving.

Neighbor

I consider myself a good neighbor. If I have it, I loan it. If I can help, I do. I live in a downtown area above a cute little store, so I don't really have alot of neighbors. The one I did, I tried very hard to like.

Single mom, just out of jail after making several major blunders...5 involving drinking and driving. I'm no one to pass judgement so naturally I am friendly and cordial because she's just younger than me and really seemed to be trying hard.

When my father would come up for a visit and bring me lots of goodies, he would bring her some too. I would lend her Cd's, DVDs, tools, spices etc. I would give her rides places since she obviously couldn't drive. Eventually, I stopped because it was apparent that it was a friendship based on convenience (not to mention I didn't get half of my stuff back) and she was maybe suffering with some entitlement issues...the whole world owes me so why not start with you type of gal...but I'm not judging, just not my type of friend.

Today I find out she is in jail for prostitution. She was letting men into her place via the roof, past my daughters bedroom (outside roof) into her bedroom. Apparently intelligence isn't a job requirement...multiple strange men crossing a roof does not seem like an attention grabber at all...IDIOTS.

I'm appalled.

No matter where I am in my life, people always bring me up short and amaze me...like smokers, yes I know its addictive, but who hasn't heard about smoking yet?

Prostitution? Seriously!!!

BTW: I am in no way comparing hookers to smokers...I'm just saying.

Lent

In the tradition of seemingly never doing the right thing, my wonderful friend and I have decided, once again, to give up swearing for Lent.~ This includes all swear words and made up words that could imply swearing. For example: calling someone an a-hole rather than an actual asshole is still swearing. Of course using Maddie's made up swear word of Hossiepops is definitely off the table.

Sadly, I must admit, swearing is like a second language for me, and I am fluent. When I was a teenager, my mom caught me swearing and said I could say anything she did...As a woman who was recently divorced, entering the work force again after twenty years with three teenagers, let me say that her offer just about opened the door for saying anything and everything...except the Lords name in vain.

There are consequences to breaking the rules and swearing...I'm not talking about flogging or stoning each other like the good old days. Our punishment comes in the form of missed meals. Every time we swear, we miss the next meal...yikes.

We did this last year, every time I swore I would lose drinking soda for the day and then on to missing meals. By the end of the first night, I was thirsty and starving. I figure by Easter we will be cured.

Happy Valentines Day!

Today was a great day!

I visited a very dear friend of mine that I've known since kindergarten. My Maddie plays with her niece, so we had a free day and treated ourselves to pedicures. I don't do this very often, but love it and I'm going to make a point to treat myself more often! Then we went and saw a movie "he's just not that into you" ...it was OK, again, nice to be out.

When we got home I treated my special little valentine to her own pedicure, purple to match her cast, and then I bedazzled her little walking shoe!


I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

I took this picture before I was finished bedazzling, I must admit I got a little carried away...in addition to lugging around a heavy cast, I've added 5-10 lbs of gems and rhinestones!

Update:

My very dear friend Mike assured me that I have not lost out on Mother of the Year just yet...

When he was about 16, he was driving home from picking up a pizza and got into a car accident. Before his dad took him to the hospital, he went to the junk yard to pick up the pizza. :) I'm not sure if I feel better or sad for Mike.

Back from Urgent Care:

Maddie fell at recess yesterday, turns out she broke her foot in 3 places. Found this out after I made her suffer with broken bones all night thinking she was just being dramatic....maybe I'll be the 2010 Mother of the Year. I think I've blown it this year.

Oh, and I jammed the tampon machine at the hospital....I should not be allowed out of my house.

Sorry...

The original purpose of this blog was not to bitch about the goings ons in my daily life, I just thought it would be something fun, because lets face it, I like fun and don't generally look at myself as a negative Nellie type of person (no offense to anyone named Nellie)

That being said, I need to bitch about something...as you've probably already guessed, it has something to do with the Madster. In an effort to get to the bottom of what ever is bothering my precious darling at school, I approach the teacher at pick-up and ask about her day. Monday, I was greeted with "Maddie had a tantrum today and we really need to watch this because other parents are complaining that their kids are having tantrums at HOME now too."

First let me say: Its none of my business what goes on in their homes, nor is it their business what goes on in mine.

Second: I will not shoulder the responsibility for anyone other than Maddie, in school or out. While tantrums are most certainly frowned upon, she is a child, and I have been diligently seeking an answer to this madness that has settled on our once happy unit of two.

Third: If you have something negative to say about Maddie, like blaming her for the worlds naughty children, how about not doing it in front of her as I'm not sure how much more her little delicate self esteem can handle.

Fourth: I've been very proactive and cooperative up until this point because I would like to get to the bottom of this as much as anyone else, but now a line has been crossed and I've just upgraded myself to DEFCON ASSHOLE.

Finally getting warm!

My dad purchased us one of these:

Guilt gift? Maybe, but its still AWESOME! Amish made fireplace, its called a heat surge, compact so it fits nicely in our apartment. LOVE IT!

Some improvements...

OK, so I had a parent/teacher conference and the news was not good...they think something more may be going on with Maddie, as in maybe my friends husband did something more. I got Maddie in to talk to someone last week and it went very well. Took her out to the Olive Garden first, which she said was "lovely" then to the book store and finally to Hobby Lobby to pick up some crafts for her to do. The appointment went well, she didn't really open up, but she liked the lady and has asked to go back...this is good news.

Last week at the laundry mat, there was a little boy there that had been giving Maddie problems at school. When I mentioned something to the school they said "we don't like to approach him because he's very emotional, just ask Maddie to stay away from him"....great, thanks a-holes. So she walked up to this kid in the laundry mat and said "you're mean" and walked away. This little boys father then started yelling at Maddie (a man, and a stranger!). Needless to say, I went ape shit, and that's putting it mildly. I don't consider myself tall really, 5'9", but I towered over this guy by almost a foot. I had some harsh words for him for yelling at my child and then he started yelling at me. I offered to step outside with him (not one of my finer, more mature moments...and afterward I apologized to everyone in the laundry mat for having to witness it). Then I said the magic words...I said we recognized his son from school and that he's been picking on Maddie. He backed off immediately, I'm sure this wasn't the first time he's dealt with his sons behavior at school. Crisis averted, he was gone by the time we returned from the store. The following Wednesday his son went up to Maddie out of the blue and apologized to her. That's the same day she started telling me she loved me again and hugging and kissing me...I guess she needed to see me stand up for her. I'm quite lucky I didn't end up in jail actually, that would have pushed her over the edge.

I'm at the end of my rope...

The Doctor is calling back hopefully today with a recommendation for a counselor. I have been walking on eggshells with my daughter and I still have to deal with her telling me she hates me. I cant hug her, kiss her or tell her I love her. She has been throwing king size tantrums and actually got in my face today screaming at me...wow.