I'm at the end of my rope...

The Doctor is calling back hopefully today with a recommendation for a counselor. I have been walking on eggshells with my daughter and I still have to deal with her telling me she hates me. I cant hug her, kiss her or tell her I love her. She has been throwing king size tantrums and actually got in my face today screaming at me...wow.

Happy Holidays!!!

Well, as usual, I'm behind with my posts! I meant to post well before Christmas. I loved the pictures of everyones trees and their special ornaments.

Here is my tree:

Every year, for about 13 years, the girls (plus my nephew) in my family (mom, sister, niece, Maddie, and myself) would exchange ornaments every Thanksgiving. My tree is very full with lots of special ornaments so its hard to pick a favorite. This is one of my favorites, it was given to me by my mom a year before she died...it was not part of the exchange, she just took it off her tree and gave it to me. I didn't really like it at first, it has a lot of wear, but I absolutely love it now and it so reminds me of mom.

My uncle (fathers brother) called me and invited me to the family party, like he does every year. Because I have been having so many problems with Maddie (telling me she does not love me etc.) I decided to go. My sister wasn't going to be there and I can handle my father. I figured my brother would just ignore me. I was slightly worried about him because he's kind of unpredictable, but enough people would be around, so why not? Although not appropriate, my Christmas motto was F*CK EM! When I got there, my brother was standing outside with some cousins and walked over with a smile on his face and said "well, this is a surprise" and gave me a hug. He seemed sincere. Maddie and I had a great day. Being around family was exactly what we both needed. I saw my father, he just pretended nothing had ever happened between us...which is fine because fighting on Christmas is inappropriate. As we were leaving, my brother was outside and hugged me again and told me to call him. Weird.

Here it is New Years Eve...Maddie and I went to Chicago to have lunch with my aunt, father and brother...again, weird~ but I will wait until the holidays are over. I don't really like to go out on New Years. First because I like to spend it with Maddie, watching movies and eating snacks. We stay home because there are way to many careless people on the roads tonight (more than usual). Maddie and Mini dropped off about 2 hours ago:

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season (however you celebrate) and enjoyed yourselves and your families.

More advise please...

I do intend to post fun pictures of our tree and playing in the 15 inches of snow we now have, but I need some friendly advice.

I am having some problems with my wonderful daughter, whom I love more than anything. For about 3 weeks now she has been a completely different little girl. I don't recognize who she is...she will come up to me and say things like "if I don't love you can I still live here?" Hurtful, not just once, but the several times she has said it...

We drove past a police officer on the way to school one morning and I said: "look, there is a police officer", she went to school and told everyone I was going to jail. She then spent the next 48 hours crying about it...no matter what she was told. Her teacher wanted me to call the doctor. I finally explained, by giving an example, why a person would go to jail. Like a dumb ass, I explained stealing...she then spent the next 48 hours crying because she was convinced that she had stolen something. She searched her room frantically for something that did not look familiar, convinced she was a criminal. I finally had to take her to the police station to sit down and talk to them because she needs to know that they are her friends. She would not go near him, but seems a little better about the whole thing, but only a little.

A friend and I went Christmas shopping one night and Maddie stayed with her kids and husband. Apparently, he thought they broke a lamp and he yelled at them. Now, Maddie has only ever been yelled at by me, I may have a deep voice, but I'm no man. I really think it scared the bejeezes out of her because that's when I noticed the change in her. She no longer wants to go to her friends house and she continues to talk about it when we are talking about our feelings, which she woke me up at 1:50 am to do.."talk about our feelings". My friend, whose husband yelled at her (I call him "man with broken spirit", but that's a different story) , has been inquiring whats wrong with her. When I mentioned that she brought up the yelling incident again she said "you people are making it sound like he did something more"... The "you people" forced me to hang up the phone before I said something I would regret. You people!

I am going to have to call the help line at work and take Maddie in to speak with a professional, myself as well. I need to get to the bottom of whatever is going on. In the meantime, my feelings are hurt, I'm angry, sad, worried and depressed.

Just Wondering...

Since its the holidays and its usually this time of year when we really take stock of our lives...well, I do anyway - don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my life year round. Or maybe because I've been reading Twilight...

Lately, I've really started to notice how lonely I am. Lonely because I no longer have my family, yes. But also lonely because I don't have companionship in my life...a significant other. I read my favorite blogs everyday and I cant help but notice that you ladies have found your match...perfect match. Just to name a few: My sweet Karen and her wonderful Gregg, Busy Suz who has been in love for what seems like forever! Smiley and her bantering Tom. Blogistans most recently married KBL and her beloved....who has such warm, caring eyes that in every picture, no matter where they are, they absolutely radiate with the love he has for her!

I'm starting to wonder that some of the decisions I have made in my life no longer have me on a path that intersects with the man who is meant for me.

White Christmas!

When I was growing up I use to pray for a white Christmas, these past couple of years? NO PROBLEM!!! The snow continues....this batch started with freezing rain and has since turned to snow, once the temperature drops further, driving will be impossible. I took the Madster to our Christmas parade on Friday night and it was negative 2 degrees with the windchill! Smiley, if your mom is still visiting, don't let her leave, she will get off the plane and cry.

Ms. Mad loves the snow! She doesn't mind getting all bundled up, even though she resembles Ralphies little brother from A Christmas Story! I get claustrophobic just looking at her. It takes 15-20 minutes just to get her ready to take the dog out! I will try and post a picture, cute, but ridiculous.

(love this movie)

Speaking of the dog...Mini does not like the snow. I would even go as far as to say that she loathes the snow. Despite the array of outfits I have to keep her warm in the snow, rather than prancing happy paw prints it looks like I'm walking a snake...just a body being dragged.

Thanksgiving

I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Surprisingly, I managed to get some time off of work. I had the week off from the 17th to the 21st! I made appointments and ran around, did a little Christmas shopping. The 18th was the 2 year anniversary for my moms passing...I suppose I will take the day off each year. I honestly thought I would be OK this year but these things have a funny way of sneaking up on you.

I started crying at my dentist appointment and when I was getting my caterpillars, I mean my eyebrows, waxed. I volunteered in Maddie's class one day and started crying when one of the teachers walked past wearing my mothers perfume. I shouldn't be allowed to leave the house.

I can recall when my mom was dying sitting in her living room with a pad of paper and a pen and writing down the simple things she used to make for special occasions wanting to kick my own ass for not paying attention sooner. I used to help her cook, but I didn't think I had enough confidence in the kitchen to just wing it, so I wrote everything down. I did not think to ask for the recipe for her pies, the crust especially. My sister has it and apparently does not feel I'm entitled to such information...anyhoo, for this year, and last as well I have made Thanksgiving dinner using my sheets of tear stained directions to create a meal like my mom would have made...with a few differences: 1. no pie 2. surgical gloves so I can touch the turkey without gagging or throwing up.

Thanksgiving is a time for families. My family consists of Maddie and me. We will create our own traditions. I set the table with fine china, polished the silver. Maddie made the center piece. We had a beautiful day together and I feel blessed.

Supergirl

We made it through another busy weekend! Our little town had trick or treating on Saturday the 24th and Sunday the 25th. Saturday was the businesses, they call it spooky city. Sunday was the houses. Miss Mad was a cheerleader for spooky city and I skipped Sunday altogether as there were SNOW flurries and it was bitter cold.





On the 30th, we went to the park in our winter coats and blankets and laid amongst the leaves and watched ghostbusters while eating popcorn and drinking hot apple cider...yum. Halloween night we went to a friends house in a neighboring town and went trick or treating...the weather was wonderful and we had a lot of fun! Maddie didn't want to be a cheerleader anymore, she wanted to be supergirl...which she would now like me to call her that permanently, I also have to call the dog "superdog" or "supermini"...kids are so funny.
















All and all a great time...except for the acting up in school which is still continuing and I'm about to pull my hair out!